You’re thinking about getting back together after a breakup. You’ve done all the work in the Five Steps and now, your ex has agreed to a reconciliation. Before you jump back in, I encourage you to carefully read all of the information on this page.
Should You Get Back Together?
The first thing you must ask yourself is whether getting back together after a breakup is right for you. I encourage you to revisit Step Two and review a few things:
- Relationship Dealbreakers
- Is He Healthy and Capable of Love?
- Do You Miss Him or Just Someone in Your Life?
If you’ve taken your time and gone through the five steps thoughtfully and carefully, you’ve had time to move past the very emotional shock of the breakup. You’ve rebuilt your confidence and you’re a different woman than the one he broke up with.
With any luck, he did some soul-searching too and has also changed for the better, but you can’t count on this to be true. That’s why I want you to review those three parts of Step Two. The blinders should be off, but if he’s made it clear he’s interested in a reconciliation, it might cause you to be more emotional than rational again. You still need your rational mind.
In Step Five, you prepared to meet him, and maybe even have met with him. That may have ramped up your excitement about a reconciliation, but again, please try to continue using your rational mind. Here are some things to consider.
Getting Back Together After a Breakup if You’ve Both Changed
You may need to meet with him more than once to determine if he’s changed. The first meeting will be more like a first date than a reconciliation. You’re trying to put your best foot forward and so is he.
Neither of us can control him, so even though you’ve done some hard work, it doesn’t mean he did too.
Remember that two people own the responsibility for a breakup. When you meet him, he shouldn’t be laying it all at your feet and vice versa. If the subject comes up, you learned in Step Five to be prepared to own your part, and if he’s grown and matured, he will too.
This is a positive step in the right direction, but it’s just one sign.
Your Situation has Changed
This can be true in any part of your life. Our lives are on a continuum and things are always in flux. For example, if you broke up because your relationship was long-distance and too difficult to maintain, you may now find yourselves in the same city and interested in trying again.
Another example is if one or both of you were in college or in a really tough time in your career. During times like this, it can be difficult to focus your energy on work or studies and a relationship. Now that you’ve graduated or settled into your career, you’re in a better position to pursue a serious relationship.
These types of circumstances are great for reconciliation. Your breakup might have been more about logistics or priorities than it was about how much you cared for one another.
The key thing to remember is not to hold the past over your partner’s head or allow him to do so to you. A reconciliation only works if all past hurts are left behind.
You Can Forgive the Past
If you’ve been together as a couple and broken up, there are things to forgive for both of you. Breakups, regardless of how long ago they were, leave scars and they’re never about the actions of just one person.
Forgiveness is important for two reasons. First, you’re letting go of the hurt and anger. You don’t need to tell someone you forgive them in order to do so. You can forgive someone you never plan to see again or someone who has passed away. Forgiveness is for you.
Having said that, if you’re considering a reconciliation, it may be necessary to verbalize your forgiveness to your partner so you can clear the slate. Make it clear that you’re not holding any grudges. If he truly wants to get back together with you, he will reciprocate.
Forgiveness is also important because it signals a new level of confidence and maturity. People with low confidence and self-esteem hold onto grudges. It helps them build a wall of safety, but there is also a chance that if someone said or did something negative to you, you believe what they said or did was appropriate, warranted even.
When is it Not a Good Idea to Get Back Together?
Aside from the relationship dealbreakers mentioned above, there are a few other reasons why getting back together after a breakup is a bad idea.
Getting Back Together After a Breakup isn’t Good if Trust Was Broken
This isn’t necessarily a reason to stay apart, but it is a reason to seek professional help. Trust is a key element of a great relationship and once it’s gone, it’s very hard to get it back. Not impossible, but difficult. You might think you’ve forgiven him for cheating on you, only to find yourself wondering, “Is he really working late or is he out with her again?” Working with a professional can help you learn how to trust one another again.
You Weren’t Great Communicators Before
Communication is another key element of a great relationship, but many people never learn how to properly communicate, or they lack confidence and are afraid of losing their partner if they openly communicate.
It takes that trust we just talked about to be able to allow your vulnerability to come through, and that goes for men and women. Deep and meaningful communication comes with time. At first, you won’t feel safe enough to trust him with things, but as your relationship grows, you should feel safer. If that feeling doesn’t come, there’s a problem somewhere.
Some couples yell at one another as a form of communication. This never works, as evidenced by the fact that you aren’t together right now.
If you grew up with parents who didn’t know how to communicate, you might not have healthy communication skills either.
If this was a problem for you in your first relationship with him and you really want to get back together, seeking professional help may again be a good idea for you. They can teach you healthy ways to talk and communicate with one another.
You Aren’t Sure if it was Love or Lust
Many people get caught up in a wave of lust, mistaking great chemistry for love. They aren’t one and the same and you can have lust without love.
When you love someone, you have a deep emotional attachment to them. You truly care about him and are devoted to him. You feel passionate about him, and you do have that chemistry as well.
Lust, of course, doesn’t have that sense of devotion and passion. You don’t care deeply for him. It’s a hookup.
When you’re in the throes of sexual chemistry, it can be tricky to determine whether it’s love or lust, so just ask yourself how passionate you feel about this guy. Do you sense passion coming from him? When you’re apart, do you care what’s happening in his life?
Before you try to reconcile, figure out which one you’re dealing with.
How Did Your Friends and Family Feel About Him and Your Relationship?
Friends and family might seem like they’re meddling, but they can often get a better sense of who someone is than you can, especially if that sexual chemistry is pounding away at your hormones.
You may find yourself angry with them because they tell you what they see, and it’s not what you want to hear. Step back and take your rose-colored glasses off. Chances are good that they’re right. They see things you can’t see, and they aren’t emotionally invested like you are.
Getting Back Together After a Breakup
Now that you’ve read why you should or shouldn’t consider a reconciliation, let’s get down to moving forward!
What’s the best course for getting back together after a breakup?
Wait
Yes, that’s right. The first step may be to wait. If you’ve been broken up for less than a couple of months, I encourage you to hold off on a reconciliation.
If you broke up yesterday, last week, or even a few weeks ago, neither of you has had time to change or improve. You haven’t even had time to really examine what happened.
Breakups cause wounds, regardless of who initiated the breakup. If you initiated it, then you felt the wounds before you broke up with him. If he initiated it, you felt them after. Either way, you have some healing to do.
Breakups also cause your confidence and self-esteem to take a nosedive. You begin to doubt your ability to find a great guy, and you may even doubt your worthiness of a good relationship. You need time to reboot and rebuild.
Additionally, there are negative feelings bumbling around. If he broke up with you, he has negative feelings about you and the relationship. And if it was you who initiated the breakup, you probably have those same feelings.
Yes, you may be having a weak moment right now, but is that loneliness or a true desire to get back together?
Regardless of who’s harboring the negative feelings, you need time to overcome them and to truly miss one another before you consider a reconciliation.
Getting Back Together After a Breakup | Treat it as a New Relationship
Many people who reconcile after a breakup pick up where they left off, but this isn’t a good idea. If you’ve worked on improving yourself, you’re not the same person. If he did the same, you both are different and things between you will be different too.
Instead, treat your reconciliation as a new relationship. Date as if you didn’t date before. Get to know one another again. There’s a chance that you never knew one another fully before anyway, so get to know him now.
Enjoy fun dates with no pressure to be who you were when you broke up. If you lived together, continue to live apart until it feels right again.
Take it slow and really work on bonding through fun experiences. Go on dates that are fun, not dinner dates. Go hiking, canoeing, snowshoeing, or whatever is available near you. This is an excellent way to get to know someone and to determine if you’re a good fit for one another.
Make Sure You Know Who You Are Without Him
While you’re apart, get to know yourself again. You give up some of who you are when you’re in a relationship. You might stop pursuing your hobbies and spending time with your friends.
This is the time to reconnect with lost friends and find those hobbies again.
It’s also time to think about what type of man is right for you. There’s a simple exercise you can do to help figure this out.
Take a sheet of paper for each man of your past, or at least the most recent ones, depending on how old you are. Draw a line down the middle vertically and label one half of the page “good traits” and the other half “bad traits”. Put the name of a past boyfriend at the top of each page, then write down their positive and negative traits in those columns.
After you’ve completed this for all of the men in your life, find the qualities in both columns that show up most often. You may find that men who don’t go to college are a better fit for you, or you might discover that you really enjoy an adventurous man.
You will also see what negative traits draw you to certain men. You want to avoid those in the future.
This exercise helps you know what traits are important to you, based on how many men you’ve dated who possess them, and which traits might be toxic for you.
Be Clear About What Happened the First Time
Before you get back together, gain a good understanding of why you broke up the first time. In Step Two, you evaluate the relationship. I’ve already referred you to a few links on that page, but really, the whole page is important.
Not only should you have a good idea of what happened, but you also know what your role was in the demise of the relationship. As you worked on yourself in Step Three, you hopefully fixed whatever was going on within yourself.
Knowing what happened in your past relationship helps you keep from making the same mistakes in any new relationship, whether it’s with your ex or someone else.
Treat This as a New Relationship
A lot of what you’ll read here alludes to this but let me be clear. This is a new relationship. The old relationship was broken, and it ended.
Why would you want to reconcile that? You wouldn’t! You want a new, healthy relationship, not the old broken one.
This means you have a new relationship. It’s the same as dating someone you just met.
Reconnect on a Low-Level First
He may reach out to you first, or you might bump into one another. Regardless of what causes you to decide to chat again, go slowly. Try to avoid those all-night phone calls or marathon texting sessions at first.
Instead, just send a quick text every now and then to feel things out a little. Keep things low-key and set some healthy boundaries.
Try not to brag about the work you’ve been doing on yourself and don’t pry into what he’s been doing. If he wants to share, he will.
Take note of any feelings of jealousy or competitiveness. This signals that you aren’t ready to move forward because you’re still hurting a little from the past.
Essentially, what you’re doing here is putting out feelers. Does he want to chat with you? Is he showing any interest in a reconciliation? Does he still seem angry or bitter? You shouldn’t have any emotional investment yet. This is simply a what-if mission.
Proceed with Caution when Getting Back Together After a Breakup
While things might seem great at first, it’s too soon to tell a few things. First, it’s too soon to tell if the work you did makes you attractive to him now.
This actually works in reverse more often. The woman builds her confidence and realizes that her ex was a schmuck and she doesn’t want him back.
Secondly, he might say he’s worked on himself, but only time will tell if he’s a better version of himself than when you broke up.
Third, if you both have changed, as I said above, you’re two new people who need to get to know one another again.
While it might feel like a natural fit to jump back into sex and a more intimate relationship, you’ll be grateful to yourself later if you slow down now and ease back into it.
Be Clear About Your Expectations
Once you’ve gone on a few dates and you still want to hang out together, be clear with him about what you expect. If you want to pursue something long-term with him again, say so. While you may assume he knows this, you can’t be sure, and men aren’t great at subtle hints.
You need to be direct with him and say what you mean. If he’s just looking for someone to fill in the gap until he finds someone new, you need to be aware of that before you get your heart broken again.
Be Prepared for it NOT to Work
If you’ve both changed, or even if just you changed, this presents a different dynamic. He may have felt he could control you before, but now, you aren’t controllable. He may have enjoyed your mild-mannered personality, but with your new confidence, you’re more outgoing.
It’s okay for it to end again. At least one of you has changed. Just don’t hang in there because this is a second try, and you don’t want to fail again.
Some Last Thoughts on Getting Back Together After a Breakup
Forgive
If you want to have a new relationship with your ex, you must forgive the past you share. Undoubtedly, there were things that happened between you that caused hurt feelings.
If you can’t or won’t let those go and forgive him, they will become bricks in a wall that rises between you.
Forgiveness is for you, not him. You don’t need to tell him you forgive him, but if you want any sort of future together, it might be a good idea.
We forgive to relieve our own minds of the burden. Holding onto anger or bitterness steals your joy and energy. People often equate it to allowing someone to live rent-free in your head. While they might not be physically present, their words and actions are as long as you don’t forgive them.
Address Any Old Issues
There were reasons for the breakup and before you can move on together, you need to address them. For example, if he was a workaholic who claims he’s reformed, be clear on how that made you feel.
For good men, being a provider is a mark of being a good partner. He might not see working long hours as being away from you but as his way of being sure he can provide for you. Even if you have your own income, it’s within his male nature to want to provide. It’s how he finds self-worth.
He may not realize how much it was negatively impacting your relationship. If being with him is more important than his ability to provide, you can share this with him, gently so you don’t wound his pride.
The key to this activity is to be more of a listener than a talker. Really hear one another. Keep your defenses tucked away because if you want to be successful the second time around, you need to let this stuff go once and for all.
Be Patient when Getting Back Together After a Breakup
A new relationship with an ex-boyfriend takes time. You may both want to move things along faster, especially if you always had great chemistry and now it’s flaming again.
Exercise some self-control and be patient. Things will get back there soon enough. In the interim, doing all the things you’ve read about here should be your priority.
The cliché good things come to those who wait really rings true in this case.
Patience allows you to make sure you’ve both changed and that you’ve both changed in a direction that still works.
It also allows you to make sure that you don’t lose yourself in the relationship. Continue your hobbies. Maintain the girls’ night schedule you’ve developed with your friends. Keep going to Yoga class on Monday night and Zumba on Thursday.
Patience gives you time to get to know one another again. There may be things about each other that you never knew.
When heat takes over a relationship and sex enters too soon, everything becomes fuzzy. You want to keep feeling that endorphin high, so you spend tons of time together, mostly having sex and then binge-watching something until you both fall asleep.
Being patient allows you to move at a pace that keeps things exciting. Not seeing each other every night builds anticipation and keeps the attraction strong. Your sexual chemistry is always humming instead of flaming and then dying, only to flame again later that day.
Communicate
The best relationships, and the relationships with staying power are formed between two people who can communicate with one another in a healthy way. When something is bothering you, don’t stuff it down or pretend it doesn’t exist.
Choose a time when you’re both in a good mood and bring it up.
Be willing to be vulnerable by sharing your fears, fantasies, and expectations. How does he know how to be there for you if you don’t tell him?
Again, remember that with a guy, you must be direct. Don’t hint at something. Say it outright. This is how his male friends talk to him and if you do too, he’ll understand immediately.
Talk in bed too. He wants to please you, but he might not be sure how. Gently guide him, “Just a little to the left, Honey” or “Not quite so fast.” If you guide him kindly, he’ll get there.
Communication isn’t always about talking, though. The best communicators are excellent listeners. Listening is difficult for most humans. Our egos force us to want to create our own story to top the other person’s.
You think you had a bad day? Let me tell you about mine!!
Instead, stop those thoughts. Actively listen to him when he speaks. If you have a question, wait for an opportune moment, then ask. Don’t worry about topping his story or trying to one-up his good or bad day.
Just. Listen.
Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff when Getting Together After a Breakup
Okay, so this is cliché, but it’s cliché for a reason. When you have low confidence, every minor infraction feels like the world is out to get you. With low self-esteem and/or low self-worth, you doubt whether you even deserve anything good in your life, like a good man.
Feeling low makes even small things feel more important than they probably are.
Your guy is trainable. He wants nothing more than to make you happy, but you must teach him how. The problem is that many women don’t understand this, making their method of teaching a yelling match.
“Gee Gregg, if you could put your dirty socks in the hamper in the closet, it would really help me on laundry day.”
Done! I might not get it right the first couple of times, but I’ll try my best to remember. If I’m in a hurry and one sock bounces out, don’t spend ten minutes berating me later. Either I’ll see it later myself and pick it up, or you can kindly do it for me.
It’s these minuscule arguments about what really is the small stuff that breaks relationships down. When your relationship becomes more about socks than about the love you share, it’s time to let it go. Neither of you is in the right place for a relationship.
Learn to Apologize
He knows you didn’t really mean to bleach his favorite golf shirt, but being defensive about it instead of just apologizing isn’t going to make anything better.
An apology is a courteous thing to do. It shows respect for the person who’s on the receiving end of your apology.
Apologies also disarm a situation. “I’m sorry” goes a long way in restoring equilibrium. Instead of denying the hurt feelings of the other person, you’re acknowledging them and your role in making them rise to the surface.
Your kind delivery of an apology also inspires the other person to apologize as well, if they had a role in what happened.
Misunderstandings and accidents occur every day. They’re not called on-purposes for a reason. Still, just because it wasn’t your intention to hurt someone doesn’t mean you should skip the apology.
The second half of delivering an apology is being able to accept one. When you have low confidence/self-esteem/self-worth, accepting an apology seems unnecessary and uncomfortable because you don’t ever think you deserve one.
Getting Back Together After a Breakup | Love is a Verb
As you make your final considerations about getting back together after a breakup, I have one final lesson for you.
The word love is a verb. It’s an action word. It requires you to do something. When you say, “I love you,” yes, you’re expressing a feeling, but you’re also expressing action.
Men naturally show love through actions while women show it through words, but really, in this instance, men have it right. It’s an action. You show him you love him with warm hugs, his favorite baked treat, by watching football with him when you couldn’t care less, and by being there for him when his dog dies.
He’ll show you love by taking your car for an oil change, mowing the lawn even though his favorite team is playing in an hour, building you the extra shelf in the kitchen, or getting you the juicer you wanted so you can eat healthier.
As long as you continue to show one another your love, apologize, forgive, listen, and respect one another, your new journey will be a great one!
