How to Meet Up with Your Ex | Table of Contents
Are You Ready to Meet Him?
You’re ready for Step Five if you’ve:
- Reined in your emotions
- Assessed the breakup
- Continued to work on building your confidence steadily and regularly
- Used No Contact for at least two weeks
- Sent him the letter
- Used slip in/slip out a few times
- Got confidence you can handle the possibility of him saying he doesn’t want a reconciliation
- Dated other men
I know the dating other men part scares you and if there are any of those bullet points you’re missing, I’d guess it’s that one, but remember, you are already broken up. You have no commitment to your ex at this time. This means you can date other men. I guarantee you he’s dating other women! Keep this in mind as you read about how to meet up with your ex below.
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How to Get Him to Suggest a Meeting
Ideally, your ex will reach out to you to suggest a meeting, but what if he doesn’t?
There are two reasons he might not reach out. The first is because he doesn’t want to get back together and the second is that he’s not sure how you’ll react.
The best way to get him to suggest a meeting is to continue using slip in/slip out. This provides him an opening to talk to you.
You’re texting him with articles you think he might enjoy or a quick memory with a question and that provides him an opening to ask for a meeting.
How to Meet Up with Your Ex | Formulate a Plan for the Meeting
Remember, this is a meeting, it is not a date. If he calls it a date, you continue to call it a meeting. The one-word difference is huge.
You’re meeting to see if there’s any chance of getting back together. That’s not a date by any definition and the expectations are different.
As you consider how to meet up with your ex, consider meeting somewhere casual, but not at your place or his. A coffee house works if you can get privacy. Outside at a park is also a great idea.
Don’t choose a date setting like a restaurant or something similar. Reiterate that you’re meeting to reconnect.
If he suggests someplace too date-like, change the venue. You’re in control now and you can do it, “Yes, Eddie Merlot’s is nice, but I think we’d be more comfortable at Starbucks or Old Towne Park instead. How about 7:00 Thursday?”
Along with setting the tone (i.e. it’s a meeting, not a date) and place, prepare to acknowledge any role you played in the breakup. You unraveled this in Step Two so you know what happened.
Instead of coming with a list of his possible grievances, you can say, “I know I did some things to contribute to the breakup and I’ve made a lot of positive changes while we’ve been apart.”
This is his meeting so let him do most of the talking. Go in a little bit aloof and act as if getting back together isn’t going to make or break you. Don’t be cold and distant, but don’t beg or cry either. You’re confident and strong now! You can do this! If you feel you can’t, it’s not time to meet him yet. Work on your confidence until you know you can walk into that meeting without breaking down.
How to Casually Hang Out with Your Ex
I can’t stress enough that this is a meeting between you and your ex. Any reconciliation is the start of a new relationship, not a continuation of the old one.
That relationship was broken. Why would you want to continue it? Your goal at your first meeting is to determine if you can be friends.
Right now, you don’t know if he has made any changes in himself while you were apart, and if he’s changed, is it for the better or worse?
When you think about how to meet up with your ex, don’t go into how you’ve been missing him or get too emotional. That’s what he’s expecting from you and you aren’t going to deliver!
You have two clear goals at this meeting:
1. To determine if he’s changed and if it’s for the better
2. To see if there’s any possibility that the two of you can be friends again.
Conversation should stay light and friendly. If he asks what you’ve been up to, share snippets, “Well, I joined the gym close to work and I love going there with a couple of my coworkers.”
Or, “I tried scuba diving last month and that was a lot of fun! I hope to go again in a few weeks!”
Again, nothing about how much you miss him or how badly you want to get back together. Those are low confidence moves and that’s not you!
Finally, be aware that he might only be looking for a hookup. This meeting should not end with sex. That’s why you’re choosing a public place and if you think he might want a hookup, make it an afternoon meeting.
What His Expectations Will Be When You Meet
Even though he’s aware of the things you’ve been doing during your breakup, he will still be looking for eveidence of the old you. He will be skeptical.
Seeing is believing, as they say. Therefore, he will expect you to cry, beg and be desperate.
But you’re not desperate. You’ve dated other men and you know you have options. Sure, you’d like to get back with him or you wouldn’t be taking this step, but if it doesn’t work out, you know now that you’ll be okay.
How to Pass the Tests He Will Try to Use
He’s going to test you. He might try pushing old hot buttons to see if he can get you to react or he may try to flirt with you to see if he can get you to sleep with him.
He may even try to get you to cry or be overly emotional. These are all tests to see if you’ve truly changed. As you just read, he’s skeptical, so he’s going to test you.
Of course, you’re testing him too but you can be less obvious about it. Watch his body language to see if he’s showing signs that he’s open and comfortable or tense and closed.
Keep an eye out for any negative behaviors he exhibited before. If things are going to work out between you, those should change too.
How to Meet Up With Your Ex | What is He Thinking and Feeling?
When your ex sees you, there are several things that might run through his mind. A few of them are:
- WOW! Look at her!
- Has she really changed?
- Why did I break up with her?
- I wonder if she’ll be okay with a friends with benefits relationship
- How will she react when I say I’m not coming back
- I just want to be friends
The truth is that if he doesn’t want to get back together, he probably won’t show up, so there is little chance of him saying he’s not coming back. Then again, he may want that closure.
Prepare for the Worst
It’s possible that he will come to this meeting with bad news and you need to be able to handle it.
He may come to this meeting and share with you that he’s happy dating someone else.
If thinking about hearing that news makes you overly emotional, you’re not ready to meet him yet.
Understand that this doesn’t mean the breakup is truly final. He may still come back to you but it may be weeks or months, if at all.
How to Meet Up With Your Ex | What’s Next?
What’s next for you depends on how your meeting turns out. There are three possibilities:
- He says he’s happy dating someone else
- You decide you don’t want him back
- You decide together to try to work things out
If he says he’s happy dating someone else or you decide you don’t want him back, you’re a free agent now and ready to date someone else. Perhaps you even have a guy or three waiting in the wings.
If you decide together to try to work things out, I encourage you to visit the Who Holds the Cards Now? site but instead of parousing the Find a Guy area, prowl around in the Keep My Guy area.
Regardless of your decision, there are two other places on that site you should explore. The first is the Understanding Men area and the second is the I’d Like to Change My Life area, which contains more articles and tips on building your confidence.
Regardless of which path you choose, I hope you find love with the right man!