A blindsided breakup can hit when you least expect it. One minute, everything is plugging along smoothly and the next, your guy is gone and your mind is reeling. Fight or flight kicks in, so your heart races, and your blood pressure kicks up a few dozen notches. You switch between crying for hours, screaming and punching something (or a specific someone).
Your instincts kick in and your mind races to the most obvious place, how can I fix this? HOW can I get him back? NOW!!
You send a flurry of texts and when he doesn’t reply, you follow up with phone calls, which he also ignores. Panic deepens as your mind continues to race, fix it, fix it, I must fix it and now!
Don’t Panic
I know this is where you are. I know you’ve landed here because you’re in panic mode and you want to undo whatever was done to make him leave and I promise you that we will work on that, but there is an order of operations that is proven to work in a blindsided breakup situation, and I’d like to ask you to trust me to guide you through those steps.
As you read through these steps, you will notice that they don’t follow your instincts. It probably isn’t what your girlfriends, your mother and your sisters are telling you to do either. They aren’t men. They don’t know what will work on your ex to get him back, but I do! Trust the process and I promise you won’t be disappointed!
Step 1: Overcome the Emotions of the Breakup
Breakups wreak havoc on your emotions in a variety of ways.
Immediately upon getting that text, phone call or breakup visit, your mind and body go through some massive chemical and physical reactions. Research (Fisher 2004) tells us that the withdrawal from love is more difficult to overcome than the withdrawal from cocaine. You’re not just some crazy woman whose boyfriend just left; you’re experiencing some heavy-duty stuff right now!
Learn more about this step by reading Step One of my Five Steps to Get Him Back: Rein in Your Emotions.
Blindsided Breakup Step 2: Stop Blaming and Search for the Truth
It’s difficult to look at any situation and own your own role in what happened. Sometimes, people go the opposite way and own too much of the blame for what happened.
You both made mistakes. That’s okay. We all make mistakes. Your job now is to determine what happened and do your part to make a course correction.
There is only one person you can control and that’s you. You can’t control your ex, but you can learn to encourage him to want to make changes and earn you back.
Calling and texting are actions to get him back directly. It’s time to learn how to get him back indirectly. It goes against your intuition, it works.
With controlled emotions, search for the truth of the blindsided breakup. If you feel anxious, take a walk or practice deep breathing until you’re calm.
Indirect steps allow you to decipher what happened to land you here and how to lay the groundwork for a happier relationship. Is this guy is actually a healthy fit for you? Many women who go through this say, “I’m not sure he’s worthy of me!” or “Now that I’ve done the work, I don’t want him back.”
It’s too soon to tell how you’ll feel, and it’s your decision.
Here are reasons for a blindsided breakup.
Goals Don’t Align
Many people who get together never discuss goals. You have a first date and feel chemistry. You sleep together too soon and never take the time to get to know one another before you’re in a relationship.
Ultimately, you discover one of you wants kids while the other doesn’t. One of you wants a big house and expensive car while the other wants to live in a country farmhouse and drive a tractor.
People defend these types of goals because and nobody is willing to negotiate. Then, you fight over toothpaste caps and toilet seats.
What are your goals? I have a great free workbook to help you. Click here to download it.
Outside Influences
Outside influences can be tricky. Your family never liked him and it’s all you hear about, every time you visit. Stop and ask yourself why this is…Have you only shared the negatives about dating him with them or do they have a gut instinct telling them something is amiss?
Is he a momma’s boy? Did mom see you as a threat to her relationship with her baby boy? Not all momma’s boys are undatable, but some put too much value on their mother’s opinions without forming opinions of their own. It’s a nice out for a guy who has low confidence and is afraid to commit to a relationship. Blame mom for the blindsided breakup.
The Long-Distance Relationship Didn’t Work Out
Long-distance relationships can be challenging, especially if you met online and didn’t have a relationship before the distance separated you.
You both have different expectations about how long you’ll be separated and who will visit whom and when. These types of relationships have their own challenges and are difficult to navigate without careful planning and consideration of one another.
Being together when you’re in an LDR isn’t all about the heat of the relationship. Be sure to sprinkle in some real life activities like grocery shopping, hiking or planning a vacation together.
Communication in an LDR is vital and without it, all you have is someone who comes to visit and sleeps in your bed for two or three nights. You don’t really have a relationship.
Timing was Wrong
Sometimes, life events require timing, but your timing doesn’t fit his. It can be anything from finishing school to getting a promotion, having someone in the family who is ill or needs extra help or a host of other reasons.
At that point, it boils down to a decision the two of you make together, but often, anxiety gets the better of you and you play out difficult conversations in your head before you ever get the chance to have them. Of course, anxiety never plays things out in your favor, so things come to an abrupt end, all based on a conversation that never really happened, except in someone’s anxiety.
You cannot control how another person reacts to what you say, and yet who hasn’t done this very thing? Maybe he wanted to take a new job in a new city, but his anxiety over your reaction had him playing it out in a dozen ways which didn’t work in his favor. Instead of talking to you about it, he broke up with you. The truth is he had no idea how you would react. Maybe you don’t know either right now, but nonetheless, the damage is done.
When it comes to timing issues, there are usually ways in which you can work through things, if you’re both willing to have open and honest communication.
Blinsided Breakup | One or Both of You Aren’t Able to Commit
This one probably feels somewhat familiar. You’ve been with someone for three years and still, he can’t commit to something more. On the other hand, maybe your parents divorced when you were young, and you witnessed the ugly side of relationships. Commitment to you feels like a fleeting thing and not real, therefore why bother?
You Made Him Your Hobby
If you’ve read any of my books, you’ve read that making a guy your hobby is a big no-no. This is a common reason for a blindsided breakup.
What does it mean to make a guy your hobby? You drop your other hobbies and friendships and spend all your extra time doting on him. You want to do everything with him. When he’s sick, you’re right there to nurse that cold out of him.
If he experiences a loss, you’re there with a box of tissues he will probably not use in your presence. If he loses a job or promotion, you’re right there wanting to talk about it.
Never drop your hobbies or friends for any man! Remain the same person you were before he met you. That is the person who intrigued him enough to ask you out on a date or two.
Men need time to lick their wounds if something hits them hard, like a significant loss. He doesn’t want or need you doting over him. He needs time to himself, which is why keeping those hobbies and friends is so crucial. When he retreats and you have nothing to do or nobody to talk to, you’ll drive yourself crazy wondering what’s going on.
Women and men handle these types of situations differently and it is difficult to understand his need for time alone, time with his friends, and time to be without you breathing down his neck.
One of You Cheated
Infidelity is difficult to overcome. The reasons behind it are many, but none of them are truly valid reasons. If one of you finds someone else who is a better fit, an honest discussion before an affair occurs is always a better option than sneaking around behind their back.
If you snagged yourself a player, he was never going to be your forever guy, but he led you to believe he was because you filled a need for him, usually sexual or financial.
When the emotional needs of one of you aren’t being met, a conversation is a better place to start than cheating.
Step 3: Build Yourself Back!
This is where books, magazines, and coaches screw up the works. Why in heck would you attempt to get him back before you make changes within?
This is the time when you need to build your confidence and give yourself power in a relationship. Your confidence is waning after this blindsided breakup.
Show your ex that, not only have you fixed any issues you had that played a role in the breakup, but you are thriving and moving on without him. He will be putty in your hands again.
Building your confidence causes multiple things to happen in your quest to get your ex back – some of which toy with the male psychology:
- You are busy, so you aren’t thinking as much about him and now he’s concerned; he thought he had you at his beck and call but now, he’s starting to squirm
- He has time to miss you; women forget about this step, and they want him back immediately; he needs time for the contempt to pass and the memories to return.
This will never happen if you are badgering him with ‘I miss you’ texts.
Time starts to kick in and do its thing. Like it or not, time heals. These steps accelerate this process. Soon, the unforeseen starts to happen – you wonder if he is worthy of you. Yes, this often happens even though you don’t want it to right now.
Take him down from his pedestal, allowing things to clarify, and your confidence bubbles inside you. You look at his faults and not just yours.
So, what are the specific steps to build yourself back so he will return? I thought you would never ask!
Blindsided Breakup Summary
These three steps are necessary to have a shot at getting your ex back, but that these steps are not for him.
These steps are for you!
Personally, at this early stage, I don’t give a crap about him, and I want you to feel the same way.
Once you calm yourself, take inventory of what really went wrong and build yourself; you will be happier and find yourself in a situation where you never need to worry about getting dumped again!
If you decide he is worthy of getting back, I’ll except that challenge with you and go after him the right way!
Now I ask you, Are You Ready to Get Him Back?
