So, the word is out, and your ex is dating another woman, and all you want to know is how to get your ex back when he’s dating someone else. Can you get him back after he’s dated someone else?
Why is He Dating Someone Else Already?
Your gut reaction to finding out that he’s dating someone else is that he’s found someone better.
The truth is he’s probably dating someone else to avoid dealing with the pain of the breakup. Remember, men don’t always manage their emotions well, so avoiding the pain seems like a better option. She isn’t better, she was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time – for her. It won’t last.
He may also want to save face with his friends, so he finds a new girl quickly. To this end, he also will appear to be happy, even though he isn’t.
You may be worried about what his friends and family are thinking about this new woman. Are they comparing you to her? The answer is most likely not. This is because he isn’t likely to take her to meet them – he doesn’t want to hear those comparisons.
Rather than go on a hate binge for this girl, sympathize. She’ll be in your shoes soon enough, but if you and your guy were together for a long time, she won’t have the history you do with him.
Instead of getting angry, know that breakups occur because something is broken in your relationship. Rather than fixating on what he is doing, focus on your own healing and recovery from the breakup.
What if You Were the Rebound?
It’s possible that your ex has gone back to a former relationship. He may have broken up with her and found you. In this instance, you are the rebound, not her and your chances of getting him back are significantly lower. You don’t have the history he likely has with her.
Even having said this, it doesn’t mean he won’t come back to you but be careful. He’s playing a dangerous game with your heart. He’s more likely to be looking for a friends-with-benefits situation, not a relationship.
Has it Been Longer Than Three Months Since Your Breakup?
If he dates within two months of your breakup, there’s a great chance that this is a rebound relationship. But, if more than three months’ time has passed since your breakup, it most likely is not a rebound. Additionally, if your relationship was less than six months old, it might not really qualify as a rebound.
Still, there’s only an 11% chance that his new relationship will lead to marriage. I say this because data tells us that most men date an average of nine women in their adulthood, giving this relationship just that 11% chance.
Since about 50% of all relationships see some sort of reconciliation, your chances are still not too bad.
What Made Him Want to Find Someone New?
Some men break up with a woman because they think they can find someone better. This often backfires on them though.
First, he may get back out there, only to discover that there aren’t any women clamoring to date him. He had this view of himself as the ultimate ladies’ man, but women just aren’t falling all over him.
Second, he might think that you just aren’t treating him well enough. If he was a Momma’s Boy and you aren’t caving to his every need, he might think he can find a woman who will, and he might, at first.
Third, he might find a new woman to date, only to discover that you’re a better fit for him than he thought. This is an internal told ya so moment for you, but don’t gloat, it isn’t a pretty look on you.
Basically, he thinks the grass is greener in a new relationship.
Why New Relationships are Appealing
Think about when you first met your ex. It was exciting and fun. There were sparks. Energy. Chemistry. It felt like you clicked.
You talked on the phone into the wee hours of the night. You saw one another two or three nights a week, if not more.
The dates you went on were fun and exciting.
The problem is that things settle in at some point and this energy fades. The hormones even out and while you’re still experiencing love hormones, they aren’t driving that wild I can’t wait to see you again, Baby feeling.
Some people are addicted to that new relationship high and when it fades, they go looking for it again. This is unfortunate, because this type of person won’t ever find lasting happiness.
On the other hand, your guy may find this feeling with a new woman at first, then realize that the time he spends with her isn’t as much fun as it was with you. Going to see a movie with her only reminds him of that midnight movie marathon the two of you shared, or the time you dropped an entire bucket of popcorn by accident.
The good news for you is that he needed to have this comparison to see that you’re the woman for him after all.
What Does a Rebound Relationship Look Like?
She’s Your Opposite
Most often, one of the clear signs that he’s in a rebound relationship is that the new woman is your polar opposite.
Kate and Ken had been together for sixteen years before divorcing. Both with low confidence, they dated a few people. Kate ultimately decided to go back to college and give up on dating, but Ken found his second wife, Robin, who was the absolute opposite of Kate.
Ultimately, Ken cheated on Robin and moved in with his girlfriend, who he lived with for many years before marrying her. Jenny, the third wife, is very much like Kate, which Kate finds entertaining, to say the least.
You see, Ken had rubbed Robin in Kate’s face as such a great woman – soooo much better than Kate, and yet even he couldn’t wait to get away from her, cheating with Jenny for five years before he finally left.
The Relationship Begins Soon After Yours Ends
Rebound relationships often begin shortly after your relationship ends. The longer the amount of time between your breakup and his new relationship, the less likely that it is actually a rebound.
He Flaunts Her
He feels the need to let everyone know he has a new woman in his life. This is mostly to save face with his friends and family. See, I can still get a great woman.
It’s HOT, Then it’s Cold
This rebound relationship might begin with a ton of passion and heat, but it may also quickly fizzle out and lose steam. As you’ll see in the phases of a rebound, this is a natural progression.
It’s Not a Committed Relationship
People around him may notice that he isn’t emotionally invested in this new girl. He’s with her, but he isn’t with her. Sure, they have that heat going, but people may notice that it doesn’t go deeper.
The Relationship Progresses too Quickly
He may move in with her or have kids with her faster than seems wise. He’s trying to keep the heat and passion alive by hitting these milestones quicker than most would say is advisable.
Of Course, Be Careful
Just because a relationship shows these signs of a rebound doesn’t mean it is, and vice versa. A relationship that doesn’t look like a rebound might actually be one. You just have to watch and observe them or ask questions of mutual friends.
Your Game Plan While He’s Off Dating
So, he’s dating someone new. You’ve read enough now to know that you shouldn’t spend a lot of time fretting over it. But what should you be doing instead?
Obviously, my first answer is to go through the five steps, but I can be more specific.
This breakup was hard for you. Chances are he blamed you entirely for it, even though it’s never fully the fault of one person. You both played a role. Still, this language probably played a role in the nosedive your confidence took after the breakup.
How to Use the No Contact Rule Here
Also, if your ex rebounded very quickly after you broke up, maintain no contact for 45 days. While I’ve often suggested that you maintain no contact for two weeks, if he’s dating someone else, he might not even notice. Let’s examine why.
You initiate no contact about a week after he breaks up with you. You’ve read up on it and all of the experts say to do it, so you do.
A week later, he’s got a new girl. You’ve been in no contact for just a week, and he might not have even noticed.
In the second week of your no contact rule, he’s in the honeymoon phase of his new relationship and he won’t even notice that you aren’t talking to him. He’s too wrapped up in the energy of his new relationship.
This is fourteen days, and it isn’t enough.
Even thirty days might not be enough. You want him to be ready to talk to you when you break no contact. Forty-five days is often a good timeframe.
The glow is off of the new relationship, and he may even be comparing her to you by now, discovering that his new woman falls quite short.
Coming Out of No Contact in This Situation
This is a great time to implement slip in/slip out. Remind him of something fun you did together while also confirming that you recognize the relationship is over.
Ask to come pick up something you left at his place. Ask him the name of somewhere you went together that was meaningful for you both.
These things have a powerful impact, especially if this relationship with a new woman is falling short in comparison to yours.
Be Like a Persistent Ghost
Once you’ve come out of no contact, it’s time to be like an old friend.
- Text him an old joke you shared together, like when you spilled the popcorn
- Remind him that his sister’s birthday is coming up
- Invite him to coffee – not a date, just coffee
- Comment on his social media status every now and then
The key here is to be infrequent but present. Maybe once a week, or even two, you do something, not every day. Be the good person in the situation. Regardless of whatever mud she tries to sling at you, be kind and be the bigger person in any situation. What you don’t want is for her to demand that he cut out all contact with you.
Then again, this is a signal to you that what you’re doing is working to some degree. This behavior from her will backfire. The more controlling she becomes and the more kind and generous you are, the worse she looks.
Avoid Doing These Things
Don’t flirt with him. This isn’t the time, and you don’t want to be seen as someone who is blatantly trying to break them up.
You don’t want him to resent you for breaking them up before he’s clearly seen that he belongs with you instead.
Therefore, another don’t is don’t talk negatively about his new woman. You don’t want to come off as catty, jealous, or even mean. Just be the kind, confident woman you are and be a friend – without benefits.
Men don’t like the drama between women, so don’t be the one to start it. If she starts something, just ignore it. Rise above her jealousy and be the bigger person. It sucks, but it’s necessary.
If he shares that his new girlfriend is jealous or doesn’t like you, your best reply is that you have no problems with her and can’t imagine why she feels this way. The two of you aren’t doing anything wrong – just hanging out as friends.
These responses to the situation show you to be a high value woman who’s confident, has self-esteem and self-worth. You don’t need him to be those things.
Of course, the challenge is to remain the better person, regardless of how much mud she slings in your direction, because she will, and her goal is for you to get your claws out and fight back.
You cannot.
Show Him Who You Are Now
You’ve been working on yourself. You might have started working out, or maybe you picked up a new hobby. You are more confident now and that might even be who you were when you met him.
One of your goals is to restore the woman he was first attracted to. When people get into relationships, they tend to give up parts of themselves to be who the other person wants them to be, or who they think they should be.
In the process, you lose pieces of yourself that he was attracted to. Get back to being that girl.
Show off this new you. Share new hobbies you’re into. Let him know that you’re the woman he once found irresistible. You can do this through social media posts most easily. It isn’t a time for a text with a photo that says, “Hey look at me, skydiving!”
These are all things you should be doing for yourself anyway, so don’t consider this game playing. Consider it becoming the real version of you again.
A Rebound Relationship Primer
How Long do Rebound Relationships Last?
Data tells us that rebound relationships can last as long as five months or a little longer. If his relationship lasts longer than five months, it’s moving into a phase that isn’t rebound any longer.
This still doesn’t mean he’s lost to you, but he’s taking this relationship more seriously.
The Phases of a Rebound Relationship
The Honeymoon Phase
The first phase of most relationships is the honeymoon phase. Everything feels perfect. There is chemistry and heat. All you want to do is be together. You don’t see the flaws in one another, just the good.
Sometimes, people think a relationship should always feel this way and they bounce from relationship to relationship looking to keep this feeling alive.
For you, this means your ex is distracted from his relationship with you, and you read that this can be one reason why he even got into the relationship to begin with.
During this time, you shouldn’t contact your ex. It won’t land the way you want it to.
The Initial Comparisons to You
This phase might not be the second phase, but it often can be. He sees her now a little more clearly and he’s missing you. Depending on how long the two of you were together, he might really be missing some of the comfort of that long-term relationship.
New relationships are a lot of work, and once the honeymoon phase is over, that work might not be so much fun.
These comparisons might put a little tension into the relationship with his new girl. He might not be verbalizing his comparisons, but internally, he sees that she’s not measuring up. A smart woman can see these cracks forming.
Cracks Form in The Rebound Relationship
He’s doing some comparisons, and she isn’t quite measuring up. With the honeymoon phase over and the rose-colored glasses off, he’s seeing her imperfections and vice versa. Now that his mind is drifting back to you, she isn’t happy.
Part of this comes from learning more about one another. It’s as if people don’t really get to know someone in the honeymoon phase. A few weeks into it, though, they start sharing more or they stop pretending to be someone they aren’t.
He isn’t ready to leave her yet, but he’s definitely not as excited about this relationship as he was a few weeks ago.
Their incompatibility is showing, and the true test of their relationship is beginning.
Gut it Out or Leave
Now, your ex must choose whether he’s going to stay in an unhappy relationship, riddled with fights and conflict, or get out of it and potentially go back to you.
He might not physically leave the relationship, but he’s retreating into himself, not knowing what to do with his negative emotions.
Nostalgia
Gut it out or leave pairs nicely with nostalgia, and this is when your slip-in/slip-out method can really do it’s job! He’s already reflecting on his relationship with you, and may be having those memories without your help.
Still, for you to reach out now and ask for that sweater you left at his apartment or where you went for dinner for your six-month anniversary can be like a sucker punch to the gut.
Of course, there’s not really a way for you to know which phase his relationship is in unless you’ve stayed close to his friends.
Epiphany
This is the last stage of a rebound relationship. He realizes that dating this woman was a big mistake and all he wants is out of it.
He may even recognize that he was using this relationship as a distraction from his pain over the breakup with you. Maybe.
Most of the time, the relationship ends here, but sometimes, if the guy doesn’t like to be alone, he’ll stay rather than be unsuccessful again.
But These Phases Aren’t Linear
It might seem logical to go from honeymoon to the cracks and fissures, but it’s also possible that his relationship will slide back into honeymoon. Additionally, they can get to the epiphany phase and slide back into honeymoon. Relationships are funny that way.
So just because you hear that he’s in that epiphany stage doesn’t mean he’s ready to come back to you. Some men stay there with the rebound relationship because they’re afraid you won’t take them back.
And you might not. As you rebuild your confidence, you may see him for who he is and decide you don’t want him back. It happens sometimes, and it isn’t a bad thing. It just means you’ve built enough confidence to know what you want, and he isn’t it.
One Final Thing to Do
I put this as a separate heading because you’ll resist, and I wanted to give it the importance it deserves.
If he’s dating other women, once you’ve rebuilt your confidence it’s time for you to date other men.
Why not? He’s dating.
I like to call this, what’s good for the gander is good for the goose. In other words, if he thinks it’s okay for him to date, then it’s okay for you to.
He won’t like it but he doesn’t have to. The message you’re sending here is that you can do whatever you want because he has no hold on you. You two are no longer in a committed relationship and you aren’t obligated to wait for him as a single woman.
This is sometimes the kick in the pants a guy needs to end his rebound, especially if he’s past the honeymoon phase.
Two things to keep in mind:
- You don’t owe him a thing and you can date whomever you want to date
- He doesn’t now, and never should control your life
There is absolutely no reason to put your dating life on hold because he doesn’t know what he wants. That’s not fair to you.
While you are likely his Plan B, that doesn’t mean you should sit around waiting. Take that Plan B of his away from him. That’s not the woman you are now. You’re an attractive, confident woman who deserves a great man.
If he wants to be that man, he needs to get his act together!
Wrap Up: How to Get Your Ex Back When He’s Dating Someone Else
I could use one word to write this section – relax.
You’ve read now that his relationship is most likely a rebound, and you know what that looks like and why he’s in it.
So, relax. Work on yourself. Become the woman he fell in love with, then show him what he’s missing out on.
Be there for him, as a friend, and slip in subtle reminders of what you shared together.
Get back out there and date other men. He broke up with you, so you owe him nothing!
