The devastation of a breakup is no joke, and today you want to know how to get your ex back when he broke up with you.
It’s a great question. If he broke up with you, it means you screwed up, right? You’ve done something wrong, and he hates you now. He’ll never come back, but your heart still wants to try.
First of all, any breakup involves two people and cannot be blamed on just one, so you are not fully to blame for this breakup. In fact, depending on his ultimate reason for leaving, you may not share any of the blame. More on that later.
Still, you feel like if you don’t reach out to him now and tell him over and over again that you still love him and you want him back, he’ll be gone forever.
Slow down and breathe deeply, my friend. I’m about to tell you what to do instead of what your gut, your girlfriends, and your female coworkers are telling you to do.
Seriously, take a few deep breaths. When you feel like your heart has slowed down and you’re a little calmer, we’ll get started.
I’m about to teach you how to get him back indirectly.
If you still aren’t sure, check out this article:
First, Stop Everything You’re Doing
I know you feel desperate right now. You’re experiencing a high level of anxiety and panic.
How could he just leave when you thought everything was going so well?
So, your mind (and probably the females around you) tells you to text him. Call him. Send him messages on Facebook.
But all you get is silence in return.
No replies. No returned calls. And no messages on Facebook with a reply.
Of course, this causes more panic. He really is gone.
And now I’m telling you to stop? Have I lost my mind????
No, I haven’t. But I know men and I know breakups, so hear me out. If you find my logic sound, try it. What do you have to lose? He’s already gone.
Stop texting and calling. Stop stalking his social media and stop reaching out to his friends to see if he’s okay. He’s fine.
Right now, you’re doing exactly what he expects you to do. With every text, he simply shakes his head and says to himself or those around him, “She’s crazy! She won’t leave me alone!!”
It’s time to go silent yourself. No more texts or calls. No more social media. Block him if you need to, or unfollow, whatever. Don’t drive by the gym when you know he goes in to work out. Stop driving by his workplace to see if you can catch a glimpse of him.
But I hear you, you don’t believe that it will work. Rather than repeat myself, let me provide you with proof. Read these articles to help you understand why this does work:
Can you get your ex back after no contact?
The rules of no contact and why they’re so important.
The power of silence after a breakup.
Allow Him Time to Forget
Right now, especially if you’ve been texting, calling, and so on, he has negative feelings about you and the breakup. He left for a reason. It might not turn out to be a great reason, but it’s his reason nonetheless.
He has negative feelings about you and your relationship with him. Each text and call validates those negative feelings and since he’s expecting them, it just shores up his notion that he’s better off without you.
You need to go silent so he can stop being reminded of those negative feelings.
Everything you’ve done so far, trying to convince him that the breakup was a big mistake and that things will be better this time is appealing to his rational or logical mind. You want him to reason out that things can be better.
Instead, once you’ve given him a little time to move past his negative feelings, you’re going to appeal to his emotional mind and help him fall in love with you again.
But first, you have some work to do.
How to Get Your Ex Back When He Broke up With You: Take Care of You!
Breakups are very difficult on mind, body, and soul. While you’re in no contact mode, shift your efforts to taking care of yourself.
For even more tips, check this article: What to do when you’re on a relationship break.
Identify What Stage of Grieving You’re Experiencing
Understanding the stages of grieving a breakup
It’s been proven that the addiction to the love chemicals you experience in a relationship is harder to move past than an addiction to cocaine.
Understanding the stages of grieving will help you understand exactly what you’re feeling and why. The article linked above contains some great advice on navigating each stage.
Practice Self-Care
When you practice self-care, you’re also building your own self-worth. It’s a way of saying Hey! I matter and I deserve to be taken care of!
This is important because if you don’t value yourself, nobody else will either.
Rather than go in-depth here, I’ve got a great little book called The Little Self-Care Handbook full of the different types of self-care and how to implement them into your life. Use the code EXBACK50 and get it for 50% off!
Rebuild Your Confidence
Any breakup you experience automatically shoves your confidence down a few spots, so it’s time to focus on rebuilding it.
This is one of the ways in which you’re going to be more appealing to him later!
But how do you regain your confidence after a breakup? Click the link for a detailed article on doing just that!
Don’t worry, it will be fun!
How to Get Your Ex Back When He Broke Up With You: Understand What’s Going On
Know That He Lied to You
He may have done so unintentionally, or he may have had your best interest in mind, but he most likely lied to you about why he broke up with you.
And chances are, that lie laid much of the blame on you.
Sometimes a guy doesn’t really know why he’s breaking up. He may be experiencing his own fight or flight mode, and something just told him to flee.
Other times, he may tell you something that he feels will hurt you less than his true reason in an effort to spare your feelings.
His reason may have gone something like this:
- I just need some time to myself
- We just need to take a break
- You aren’t the same person I met
- I have things to work out
Get Real with Your Feelings
It’s time to look at what the real reason for the breakup was and what your role may have been. Sometimes, even though you had a role, it wasn’t something you did directly.
For example, if you’re going through something difficult and have been highly emotional for a while, he may be at a loss for how to handle you. It happens.
In other relationships, he may have felt over nurtured or smothered by your care and attention. In your eyes, you’re showing your love, but he sees it as too much.
A third common reason for a guy leaving is that he feels as if he’s lost his freedom in the relationship. When he wants to hang with his friends, all he hears is whining and complaining about how you never do anything together anymore.
Look long and hard at what might have happened within you. I don’t want you to shame yourself and I’m not trying to shame you, but you can’t fix something if you don’t know why it’s broken.
Heal Your Own Hurt
It’s possible that by now, you’re feeling more hurt than angry. Initially, you may not be able to identify your feelings. You’re feeling so many things that it’s difficult to sort them out. Anger, frustration, hurt, dismay. They’re all legitimate and real.
But at some point, you might land on hurt. After all, he did hurt you by leaving and lying about why he left. He probably said hurtful things both at the time of the breakup and leading up to it.
So, it’s time to give yourself time to heal. Practicing self-care is one great way, rebuilding your confidence is another, and getting real with your role in the situation is another.
Forgive yourself for any role you may have had in the situation. It might sound silly, but it’s very powerful.
A journal is often a great way to heal, especially if you just allow the thoughts to flow from you to the paper without judgment. Sometimes the most surprising things appear on the paper, and you sit back and say, “huh.”
Determine if He’s Healthy Enough and Capable of Love
By healthy, I don’t mean physically healthy, I mean mentally healthy. In Step Two of the Five Step Process, you’ll find some really great questions to ask yourself. These will help you determine if your ex can come back to you and build a healthy relationship.
Remove Him from His Pedestal
In most breakups, the initial response for the person who was broken up with is to focus on all of the wonderful times you shared together and how much you miss that.
You may, unintentionally, glorify your ex into being the only perfect man for you. He was a collection of every great trait a man can have and that just makes the pain that much harder to endure.
Instead of focusing on all of the great times alone, recognize that he isn’t perfect. Nobody is. He too shares blame for the breakup, regardless of what he told you.
When you look at him with honest eyes, you see him for who he was, flaws and all, and that’s okay. The point is not to glorify him. It’s fine to see his good side, as long as you see that he wasn’t always Mr. Wonderful.
Don’t Freak Out When He Dates Soon After
I just wrote an article on this, so I won’t go in depth here, but the gist of it is that he’s very likely to date someone else.
Why?
Because he’s avoiding negative feelings. He might be missing you, so he tries to fill that hole with a new girl.
Maybe he thought he would have women lining up to date him if he was single again but soon found out that the line he envisioned had vanished. He then took the first living, breathing woman who came along.
Read more about how to get your ex back when he’s dating someone else here.
How to Get Your Ex Back When He Broke Up with You: Work on Tweaking His Emotional Connection to You
Write Him a Letter
Ahh, the letter. This little tip temporarily breaks the no contact rule, but this is one of those indirect ways of getting him back that I mentioned earlier.
Rather than go into it again, you can read more about the letter here. This is something you can do within a couple weeks of your breakup, and if it’s been longer, that’s okay. Do it anyway.
Trigger His Dumper’s Remorse
What you want him to realize on his own is that breaking up with you was a big mistake. He screwed up bigtime and he now sees that being with you is what he wants.
Signs your ex may want you back
He must be past his negative feelings about you and your relationship for this to work, so do this after you’ve rebuilt your confidence.
The letter was actually your first shot at triggering dumper’s remorse, but as I said, he was probably still having negative feelings at that point. Still, it was like a punch in the gut, and he remembers it.
You can read more about triggering his dumper’s remorse here.
Additionally, check out this article: How to make him regret losing you and want you back.
Try the Slip In/Slip Out Method
No, this isn’t what you think.
The slip in/slip out method is what you use to tweak a good memory the two of you shared. Someplace special you went together. An inside joke. That sort of thing, but you aren’t quite so obvious about it.
- Hey Joe, do you remember the name of that little hole in the wall place where we first met? I was thinking about meeting a friend there.
- Hi Steve, can I stop by and grab that sweater I always wore when we went skiing? We’re going this weekend, and I need it.
You’re reminding him of something he should have fond memories about and subtly making him wonder who you’re meeting or skiing with if it isn’t him.
Could be a girlfriend for all he knows, but his mind won’t go there and that’s okay!
More on the slip in/slip out method here.
Show Off the New You
If you’re working out and toning up, put some photos on social media. Nothing racy, just proof that you’re out there working on yourself.
You can show pictures of the crazy sweater you just finished – you know, the one with one sleeve three inches longer than the other? He’ll get a chuckle out of that.
Share your adventures – those things you’re doing to build your confidence.
Yes, you might have blocked him on social media, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t seeing it through the eyes of his friends.
Wrapping Up: How to Get Your Ex Back When He Broke Up with You
I encourage you to go through all five steps if you truly want to get him back. There’s also a book at the bottom of this article that goes even more in depth for each of those five steps.
There are a few things to understand:
- If neither of you changes before you get back together, the outcome won’t change either
- You must start your reconciliation as a new relationship, not a continuation of the old one – that one was broken
- You may decide as you go through this process that you don’t want him back anymore and that’s just fine
How often does an ex come back? (previously linked above)
If you follow the five steps, you increase your chances significantly, however, nobody, including me, can guarantee you that he will come back.
