I think the first question to ask is are there words to boost your self-esteem? Can words really make a difference in how you feel about yourself?
According to science, the answer to both questions is yes.
Multiple studies have shown that the choice of words makes a huge difference to the person hearing them, whether it’s you hearing your own words or one person hearing another person’s words.
This means that not only does it matter what you say to yourself, but what others say to you as well.
Now, let me be clear. Words aren’t the only tools you need to arm yourself with in your journey to better self-esteem, but they are an important collection of tools that shouldn’t be ignored.
How Does This Help Get Your Ex Back?
You may have stumbled upon this article through a Google® search, and you aren’t even experiencing a relationship breakup. That’s okay. This information is for you too! But if you are here because you want to get an ex-boyfriend back, let me tell you how this will help.
Breakups are hard on your confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth. Chances are that you’ve been in a downward spiral for a while now anyway, perhaps due to negativity in the relationship, or maybe something happened in your life to cause your self-esteem to decline.
This decline, even though it may not have been entirely your fault, could be partly to blame for your breakup. Boosting it back up will help you in your winning strategy!
Winning Strategies to Rekindle Love | How to Get Your Ex Back Successfully
The Damage Words Can Cause
I grew up hearing, and probably saying sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me. I don’t think kids today say this as much, and that’s probably a good thing because it’s untrue.
Whether it’s a parent, sibling, or schoolyard bully who’s slinging negative words your way, the impact cannot be ignored.
Medically Speaking
Some studies indicate that people feel pain more intensely when faced with negative words. MRI scans show areas of the brain responding more powerfully when people hear negative words.
Other studies show how we inherently perceive some words as neutral and others as negative. A 2016 study tested how people responded medically when different words were used. If the condition was caused, the outcome wasn’t as good as when the condition was produced.
A 2018 article discussed the idea of doctors altering their language to facilitate patient recovery. Changes like using the phrase normal age changes to replace chronic degenerative changes are believed to help patients positively.
And in Sports, it Matters Too!
Two studies, in 2020 and 2021 both found that positive words improved performance and healing. In the 2021 study, two groups of participants were studied – those with and those without ankle instability.
By using the words go go go and go as far as you can were used with both groups, only the group who actually had ankle instability showed improved performance. The study suggested that those with ankle instability had more fear and that the fear was holding them back, but with words of encouragement, they were able to perform better. Those without the instability weren’t experiencing the fear and were likely performing at their peak already.
The 2020 study focused on coaches and their language during small games. When the coach was encouraging the players, they performed much better with increased intensity, higher level of enjoyment, and a more positive mood among the players.
Words matter.
Words Impact Both Ways
Other studies have indicated that verbal abuse from peers and psychological violence have a negative impact on day-to-day function and overall mental health.
A 2019 study, which was done on college students, showed that when a student experienced verbal abuse from peers, the affected student had trouble remembering appointments and obligations, experienced physical changes, and was irritable.
In a 2022 review, psychological violence was linked to post-traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, and also caused anxiety and depression in people who experienced this violence through their intimate partners.
Psychological violence, which involves gaslighting, intimidation, verbal abuse, financial abuse, and spiritual abuse, to name a few, was more closely associated with PTSD. With psychological abuse, you’re trying to distort someone’s sense of reality. The goal is to convince someone that they’re crazy or incompetent.
Emotional abuse, which includes psychological violence, is broader. With emotional abuse, it’s more about the words specifically, whether it be yelling them or choosing negative words. When someone is emotionally abusing you, they seek to make you feel dumb. Emotional abuse is more commonly associated with anxiety and depression.
How to Use Words to Boost Your Self Esteem
So now that we know how words can negatively impact your self-esteem, let’s look at how you can use words to boost your self-esteem.
Spend the next few days listening to the things you say to yourself. Many of them are incidental:
- I’m so clumsy
- Look at how fat I am
- I can’t believe I didn’t know that
- I’m such an idiot
These are just a few examples of things we say to ourselves throughout the day. We do so without even giving it a second thought, but let me ask you this:
Would you ever say these things to your best friend?
Of course you wouldn’t, so what makes it okay to say them to yourself?
Nothing makes it okay because it is not okay.
As you just read, negative words have a negative impact, and the truth is that it sometimes doesn’t matter where those negative words come from. Those forms of psychological violence mentioned above are the exception as those are instances where someone else is attempting to manipulate you with negative words.
We Never Stop Talking to Ourselves
It can be argued that during every waking moment, you’re talking to yourself. The dialog changes as you pass through your day.
In the morning:
- What do I need to get done today?
- Do I want to pack my lunch or just grab something at a drive-thru?
- Should I dress up or stay casual today?
But you might also say:
- Ugh, no amount of makeup is going to make this better
- Look at this hair – I don’t know why I bother
- I’m too fat to wear this outfit
By lunchtime, you might be thinking some of these things:
- Salad or hamburger – may as well go for the burger I’m already fat
- I’ll never get this project done in time – I’m not smart enough
- I don’t know why my boss is considering me for this promotion – I don’t deserve it as much as Amy does
The mid-afternoon slump is fun too:
- I can’t wait to get home and away from this life-sucking job
- Look at Amanda, she’s so tall and beautiful while I’m short and dumpy
- This report sucks; if I were my boss, I’d fire me
And then you get home:
- I’m just gonna put on the fat pants
- I’d like to work on that quilt, but let’s face it, I’ll just screw it up
- Should I get on eHarmony? Naaaa, nobody is gonna send me a message
It goes on and on, all day long and into the night. Even at bedtime, you’re tossing over both anxiety and rumination. You’re regretting things from earlier in the day (rumination) and fretting about what you perceive will happen tomorrow (anxiety).
Neuroscience for the Win
The problem is that our brains are hard-wired for negative thoughts. Neuroscience provides us with evidence of something called negativity bias. This bias causes our brains to overreact when they hear bad words – or negative words.
One study in particular tested children in the first grade. These students were taught throughout the year how to rethink their negative thoughts and replace with positive thoughts. They were shown how to look for negative and positive words and eliminate the negatives.
At the end of the year, each student was interviewed and the following game plan was identified as a best way to move forward.
First, Become Aware of the Negative Self Talk
You can’t fix something if you don’t know it’s there, so the first step is to become aware of your self-talk, both positive and negative, as I suggested previously.
I recommend keeping a journal or running list of the things you say to yourself. Obviously, since you talk to yourself all day, you don’t have to write every single thing every day. Do this over time, like a few days or even a week.
Look for patterns and negativity. Reward yourself for positive thoughts too! That’s what we’re shooting for! If it helps, you can even write how that negative thought made you feel after.
By looking for the negative thoughts, you become more aware of them.
Then It’s Time for New Strategies
The next thing to do is change those negative thoughts into positive ones. There are a few tools you can employ to get this done.
Practice Gratitude
Practicing gratitude feels very cliché, but it’s prevalent now because it’s such a great mental health tool.
When you look at what you can be grateful for, you’re automatically shifting your focus from negative to positive.
Use Positive Self-Talk
Challenge those negative thoughts. We walk around with many false or limiting beliefs. It’s time to challenge those and note how positive changes can be made.
Negative thoughts often, but not always, begin with these phrases:
- I can’t
- I have to (do something burdensome)
- I should (applies to things you think other people want or are forcing you to do)
You can replace these with:
- I will
- I want to
- I choose to (which enables you to say no if it applies)
Limiting beliefs are beliefs which limit what we think we’re capable of. For example, if you believe that all rich people are snobby and mean, your limiting belief about having more money may be blocking you from earning what you’re capable of.
A limiting belief that bosses are mean might be leading you to not actually pursue the promotion you think you want.
In addition to changing limiting beliefs, be more compassionate to yourself. You deserve the same compassion you reserve for your friends and family.
Create Positive Affirmations
You don’t have to search Pinterest or the internet too hard to find lists of positive affirmations. You can often buy decks of positive affirmation cards that you can swap out every now and then.
Saying these aloud helps you change that language from negative to positive. These aren’t the only tool, but they’re a good one. Just make sure that they’re believable to you.
Practice Being Mindful
Mindfulness is being present in the here and now, instead of ruminating over the past or anxiously fretting over the future.
To do this, you can try something as simple as deep breathing exercises. These help your body recognize that any danger it sensed is passed. It’s a great way to calm anxiety and stress.
You can also observe your thoughts without judging them. You can recognize the negative thought without having a negative thought about it. Just be aware of it and allow it to move on by. Nothing to see here.
Additionally, when you find a negative thought, interrupt that thought cycle and redirect yourself to something positive. Take a walk and look at the beautiful flowers or water nearby.
Work on Having Healthy Habits
Nothing derails a positive life like negative habits. Poor sleep is a great example. This improves your mind and thought process, enabling you to be more alert and attentive.
Additionally, recognize that the food you eat is fuel for your mind and body, so choose foods that are healthy, not sugary or fatty.
And finally, you can combine these last two. Get plenty of exercise and enjoy nature. I like to do those two things together. Now that I live in Florida full-time, I prefer to take my morning walk along the ocean. Walking in the sand is good exercise and I enjoy watching the waves come crashing in.
Change Your Relationships
Surround yourself with positive people instead of Debby Downers. You might need to make some friendship changes to accomplish this one, but people who are negative are toxic. They inject too much negativity and not enough positivity.
Also, friends should be supportive. They should have your back and be there to catch you. If you want to go on a midnight drive by your ex-boyfriend’s house, it’s a good friend who redirects you to the latest Netflix binge instead. And if you must go, she’s driving.
Alter Your Environment
People think minimalism is all about paring down your life to five things, when actually, what it means is to get rid of things that don’t bring you joy.
You can have a house full of stuff if it all brings you joy. The idea is to avoid surrounding yourself with junk that has no meaning to you.
Surround yourself with things that bring you joy. Get rid of the clutter that makes you feel frazzled and disorganized.
Always Consider Professional Help
If these negative thoughts are really pervasive and you feel like you can’t shake them off, there’s nothing wrong with seeking professional help.
The stigma of this is slowly going away, and that’s a good thing. A professional can help you drill down to what’s causing the negative thoughts so you can more readily get rid of them.
There may be things that happened in your early life that you don’t even remember, and yet, they’re playing with your mind now.
Pause and Reflect
As you work on focusing more on your words, evaluate them. When you say something to yourself, pause and ask if it’s helpful or hurtful. If they’re hurtful, look at new ways to reframe that thought so it’s positive instead.
Reframe Experiences
There are many experiences in life that can bring you down. Job interviews and first dates come to mind as two of the most common, so let’s look at each of them.
I’m sure you can relate to going on a job interview but not hearing back from the interviewer. This can easily toss you down into a puddle of negativity if you aren’t careful, especially if it’s happened a few times.
Instead of this:
I’m never going to get any job. I’m not qualified to do anything. It’s a wonder that guy didn’t laugh right to my face. I bet he had a good chuckle after I walked away.
Try this:
I did my best in that interview, but maybe I’m not quite what they’re looking for. The right job will come. It’ll just take time. Meanwhile, I’ll review my resume and see what I might be able to add for the next interview to make it more relevant.
Now, let’s look at a first date. Instead of:
Boy we really clicked on that date, but now he’s ghosting me. I’m never going to find a great guy at this rate. It’s probably my weight, which I’ll never get under control. I think I’ll go have a big juicy hamburger.
Try this:
That guy was great but I haven’t heard from him yet. Maybe he’s the type who doesn’t get back right away. I think he may have mentioned a business trip. It’s okay if he doesn’t reach out. Maybe he didn’t think we clicked. I’ll find another guy!
It’s so easy to get mired down in the negativity of situations that seem to breed it, but if you’re mindful of your thoughts and words, you can put a positive spin on the situation.
Other Tips for Building Self-Esteem
Do a Little Life Inventory
Look back on your life and take an inventory. We tend to focus on negatives so look for the positives. I remember an exercise I was doing several years ago where I was trying to determine my USP or unique selling point.
One step in doing so was to look back throughout my life and find experiences that shaped me. This was a great exercise in allowing me to find the many positives that I rarely think about.
Try a SWOT Analysis
SWOT stands for strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, and threats. What are your strengths? How about your weaknesses? Are there opportunities available to you that you might be ignoring? What about threats – I might argue that your negative thoughts are threads.
You could also argue that remaining an inactive participant in your own life is a threat to your positive outlook.
Focus mostly on the strengths and a little on the weaknesses. Work on strengthening those weaknesses and taking more note of the strengths.
Set Some Goals
If you’ve spent any time on my website, you know I’m a big fan of goals. Goals help you focus positively on the future and give you purpose and direction. They also provide a boost in confidence and a way to organize your thoughts and actions.
Act Like the Confident Woman You Want to Be
Confident people have different body language from people who lack confidence, so act like you’re confident.
What does this mean?
Keep your hair out of your eyes and only use your sunglasses when you’re outdoors and it’s actually sunny.
Stand tall, no slouching shoulders. Look people in the eye, even if just for a moment, and smile.
Try to keep your arms free and loose, rather than wrapped around your body in a closed body stance.
Listen intently and don’t interrupt others when they’re speaking. Instead of trying to best them in the conversation, just listen and be aware of how you can reply in a meaningful way to them.
Celebrate Every Success
No matter how big or small, celebrate the successes. When you recognize that you used a positive thought in place of a negative one you’ve been working on, that’s a WIN! Celebrate it with some sort of reward. Get yourself some fresh flowers or allow yourself a cheat mini donut.
Words to Boost Your Self Esteem – Wrap Up
In the beginning, I asked you if words can boost your self-esteem and now, I think you have the answer.
Yes, using words to boost your self-esteem works, as long as you use other tools as well. As you’ve read, words are very powerful, whether we say them aloud or just think them to ourselves.
There’s a story that went around the internet a few years ago. Who knows if it’s true, but the point is great.
A father wanted to teach his son a lesson. The son had been using very mean words to his siblings and some of the kids at school.
The father sent the son outside with a hammer and some nails and told him he needed to pound those nails into a board as far as he wanted to.
Once the son was done, he came in with an accomplished look on his face. Job well done, Dad.
The father sent him back out with the hammer and told him to take out those nails. Of course, the son found this to be more challenging, if not nearly impossible and came back in to tell his father this.
Dad simply said this:
Son, your words are like those nails you pounded into the wood. They’re easy to say but almost impossible to take back. Removing those nails is like trying to undo the things you say. Even if you do get the nail out, a hole remains that can’t be filled.
