You’ve read many coaches, aside from myself, who tell you to go no contact to get your ex back, but you’re still asking, can you get your ex back after no contact?
Yes. You can. In fact, it’s the surest way to do so. I’ll spend the rest of the article explaining why this works and how to make it work for you. Eventually, you’ll learn that I like to add a few bits of contact, but they must be the right bits at the right time. Keep reading!
Why Does Every Coach Say to Go No Contact?
You want a different answer than stop contacting him and you can’t find one. Why? Why does this work?
He Needs Time
Regardless of who left whom, your ex needs time to get over his negative feelings about you and your relationship.
He left for a reason, although probably not the reason he gave you, and he needs time now to get over the negativity surrounding that reason.
If you poke at him now through voicemails, texts, emails, or social media, it’s like poking the bear – you’ll just anger him or further confirm his feelings that he’s better off without you.
You Need Time
Right now, you’re too emotional. You need time to collect yourself and regroup. The first of the Five Steps is to rein in your emotions. While all steps are important, this one is the most important because it helps you move past the emotions and return to logical thought processes.
You also need time to accept where you are in life right now, which is single. You are a single woman and there’s nothing wrong with that.
For both of you, this is a time of healing.
It Stops Bad Behavior
Some couples are co-dependent. A breakup ends that cycle and allows you time to become more confident, which ends codependency for good.
Additionally, if you’ve been doing everything for him, it forces him to stand on his own two feet and do his own stuff.
There may have been other negatives in your life together and those also end with the breakup and no contact.
Many of these bad behaviors fix themselves when you rebuild your confidence.
The Fantasies End
You’re envisioning him as some wonderful guy who can do no wrong, except for that whole breaking up thing of course. You remember only the good parts of your relationship and have temporarily forgotten the negatives.
By implementing a no contact timeframe, you give yourself time to look to the reality of your relationship. I’m sure at times he was a great guy, but there were no doubt other times when he wasn’t so great.
In order to successfully get him back, you need to recognize the good and the bad. You can’t enter into a new relationship with him until you figure out what was broken in the old relationship.
Does No Contact Really Work?
No contact isn’t a magic pill that will make him want you back. That’s why the five steps are so important. You can’t just do the first step, which includes the no contact rule, as well as other things.
Will no contact work? As part of a larger plan, yes, it can work. I make no guarantees because every situation is different.
What I can assure you of is that it’s necessary, if only for a couple of weeks.
The risk of no contact is that he forgets about you over time, but that isn’t going to happen in the first few weeks after your breakup.
Today, I plan to teach you a few exceptions to the no contact rule that will help you make sure he doesn’t forget about you.
The Exceptions to No Contact
The Letter
This first exception should be used within the first week or so after the breakup. If you’re already past that amount of time, use it anyway.
Exception number one is to write him a letter. Handwrite, not type or text. It’s important that this be delivered to his mailbox in your script on paper that’s maybe even scented with your cologne.
You can learn more about writing the letter here.
Here’s why this letter works.
- You keep it short and to the point
- It tweaks a great memory you share, tugging at his heartstrings just a little
- You aren’t begging him to take you back, in fact, you’re doing the opposite
- This letter is like a punch in the gut – a reality check for him
Slip In/Slip Out
This is a technique you use in a few weeks. You can learn more about it here. This is a step four move, so it isn’t something you do right away. Be sure to follow the steps, and when you get to step four, you’ll be ready, and so will he.
Essentially, the slip in/slip out method involves tweaking another memory of your time with your guy but doing it differently than how you did it in the letter.
This time, you can send a text that might go something like…Hey Jim, do you remember the name of that bar at the beach? We’re heading down there, and I wanted to be sure to go there.
This does two things. It reminds him of good times you had at the bar, and it lets him know you’re living your life. We might be you and a girlfriend. It could also be you and your sister. He doesn’t know who we is and it doesn’t matter.
It could be something more home-based too. Hi Steve, I can’t remember the name of that guy who fixed the pipe under the kitchen sink after that big party we had. Can you send it to me? It’s acting up again.
It might not be as fun a memory as the beach bar, but it’s a reminder of your time together. You can read more about slip in/slip out by clicking the link above.
How to Come Out of No Contact
Show Him the New You
No, I don’t mean text him photos or do a Facetime chat. As you go through the steps, you’ll be encouraged to do some things like work on yourself, get back into hobbies, and so on. If you choose to work out or eat healthier, you are probably lookin’ good.
Post some pics of you and your friends hanging out. Post some photos of you doing different things.
Also, as you do reach out, remember the reasons he may have left and strive not to be that person.
For example, if he complained that you were too clingy, don’t be that girl. If you’ve done the steps and are more confident, you won’t feel inclined to be. Show him that you aren’t that girl.
Once you are communicating again, there are many things to do differently, too many to go into here. Instead, I recommend you read my book, Text Him This, Not That. It’s your best guide on how to text a man.
Be a Better Listener
Communication is so important in relationships, and yet we’re all mostly better talkers than we are listeners.
As you restart your communication, be sure to be a better listener. Really focus on hearing what he’s saying. Make sure to use feelings instead of accusations in your conversations.
Gregg, I felt ignored when we were out to dinner the other night because you were so interested in your phone.
You always ignore me when we go out. I’m so sick of it!!!!
Which one would you rather hear? It’s hard to ignore it when someone tells you how they feel. You can’t know what they’re feeling unless they tell you.
Focus on You, Rather Than Getting Him Back
Work on being the best version of yourself that you can be. Not the person you think he wants you to be, but the best version of you there is.
If you want him back, you want him to be attracted to this best version of you, not some made-up version you that you think he wants to be with.
Additionally, continue to live your dream life. The life you’ve started building while you were going through the steps. This helps you become more of that woman, the woman he may have fallen in love with initially.
It also helps you be more genuine in your life. As you build your confidence, you’ll learn who this woman is and you may be excited about being her. This is good. Keep feeding that excitement by being true to her.
Stop Trying to Win Him Back
Instead of worrying about how to convince him to come back to you, allow him to figure out for himself who you are and whether he’s attracted to this new version of you – the genuine article.
Accept that he has his own life too and allow him to live it. This is especially true if you get back together. While you may engage in a new relationship, you should still continue with parts of your lives that you enjoy on your own.
Show him that you respect his time with his friends. Show him that you respect his need to have time to himself.
Stop Trying to Control the Outcome
Whether you get back together is a mutual decision, and no matter how much you want him back, he just might not want to come back.
Maybe he hasn’t done enough work on himself. Perhaps he’s realized that he needs something different.
Regardless, while you can decide about what you want, you cannot control the outcome of the situation.
It’s very possible that once he sees that you aren’t trying to force him to come back, he’ll feel more willing to consider it.
Accept His Response…or Lack of Response
Just because you text him about an old memory doesn’t mean he will reply. Slip in/slip out works because you send the text, then you pull back.
After you send that text, don’t badger him for a reply. If he responds, great. If he doesn’t, give him some time and try again. Wait a couple of weeks before trying again.
It’s possible that he just wasn’t ready when you send the first message.
It’s also possible that he doesn’t want a reconciliation, in which case, you’re not going to change his mind right now.
And Finally, Know This One Important Thing…
If you reconcile, it’s a new relationship. You’re starting over. If you lived together before, wait to move back in together again.
Date one another again and get to know the versions of one another that have emerged since your breakup.
You know you’ve changed, and with any luck, so has he. You need to learn who he is now, and he needs to learn about you.
Take things slowly and allow yourselves time. If you’re meant to be together, it’ll happen naturally by allowing the relationship to emerge organically.
Avoid sex right away, even if you were having sex before the breakup. It just clouds things up and adds a new dimension to the relationship that you aren’t ready for yet. Sex too soon sends a message of desperation and a lack of boundaries.
That’s not the new you.
Can You Get Your Ex Back After No Contact? Wrapping Up
The truth is that I don’t know if you can or not. Nobody does. If you follow the five steps and read the linked articles, your chances improve significantly.
But you’re just one half of the equation.
If you get back together and neither of you has changed, you will most likely breakup again. In fact, you might be in a breakup/make up cycle with him already and that’s why.
Why would you expect a different outcome if neither of you have changed?
All you can control is you. Neither of us can control him and you don’t want to. You want him to come back to you because he wants to, and not for any other reason.
Be patient. Go through the five steps with intention, not in a rushed or hurried way. Your best chances of getting him back include all five of the steps, not just the no contact rule.
There are three possible outcomes.
You build your confidence, and you determine that you don’t want him back.
He moves on and decides that he doesn’t want to reconcile.
You get back together because you’ve changed and become stronger people who can build a new, healthier relationship together.
