Deal Breakers in A Relationship

Did you know there are deal breakers in a relationship? After a breakup, you assume you should get your ex back, but should you? Is he worth getting back?

There are some circumstances in a relationship that are deal breakers. There isn’t a relationship coach or therapist on the planet who will recommend that you get back with your ex.

I know that might not be what you want to hear. Instead, recognize the deal breakers that should stop you from even trying to get your ex back.

Deal Breakers in a Relationship: #1 Abuse and Anger Management Issues

If you were abused, either emotionally or physically by your ex, you shouldn’t return to him. This type of person can’t change without extensive therapy. His simple promise to change, or his claim that he’ll try to do better isn’t enough.

There are underlying deep-seated issues with someone who feels that hitting another person or emotionally abusing them is okay. This person does this to you for reasons that have nothing to do with you. Being abused by someone is not your fault.

What is Physical Abuse?

Physical abuse occurs when someone intentionally causes harm to your body. It might not be a fist, an object, like a belt or switch, or anything else that causes harm. This contact causes pain and suffering and is one of the biggest deal breakers in a relationship.

What is Emotional Abuse?

Emotional or psychological abuse occurs when someone is gaslighting you, bullying or denying your basic human rights. You should be able to move freely through your life without checking in or being tracked. When you’re emotionally abused, you’re not granted these basic rights. Abusers choose if and where you will worship or work. You’re enslaved or imprisoned and unable to freely live your life.

Gaslighting is a key example of emotional abuse. The term refers to when someone says things that cause you to question your own perceptions or reality. It comes from an old movie called Gaslight, in which a husband tricks his wife into believing she’s insane so he can get to her money.

What Are Anger Management Issues?

Someone who has anger management issues can be hard to detect right away. He can keep his anger in check when he first meets you and may come off as being quite charming.

Then it will happen. Someone pushes a button and he flies off the handle. The infraction seems small compared to his reaction. For example, if a waiter brings his meal but forgets to leave the cheese off his hamburger as he requested. Instead of kindly asking for a remake, he blows up and calls the person names, yells, and carries on.

A person who is physically or emotionally abusing you has anger management issues. But, not all people with anger management will appear to be abusive. Anger management issues may only appear when alcohol is involved or he’s in an emotional situation without the skills to navigate it.

Some folks with anger management issues turn it in on themselves, using self-harm or denying themselves things as punishment. For others, the anger management issues are outward expressions like yelling, breaking things or being physical.

Still others use passive aggressive methods like sarcasm, speaking to others in a degrading way or giving someone the silent treatment.

Everyone experiences anger, but someone with anger management issues always feels angry and can regret his actions. Small petty actions can send them on an angry tirade.

In any of these three instances, your ex must want to change and seek help. Nothing will change unless he seeks therapy for these relationship deal breakers.

Deal Breaker #2: One or Both of You Abuse Drugs or Alcohol

If one or both of you are abusing drugs or alcohol, it is a big example of deal breakers in a relationship. This is not the time to work on getting back together.

If he’s the one who is abusing, he must want to stop using. He needs to spend months in an environment designed to help him detox from the drugs or alcohol. Finally, he must address the underlying issues that caused the addiction.

Meanwhile, you’ll benefit from attending therapy as well. Join an Alanon group to talk with other people who, like you, were held victim to an abuser.

If you’re the one who’s abusing drugs and/or alcohol, you must want to stop using. Avail yourself of an environment designed to help you detox and address the underlying issues relating to your addiction.

If your ex wants to get back with you, he will need to do the same therapy and Alanon recommended previously.

If it’s both of you, you both must want to stop using and seek treatment before deciding to enter a new relationship together.

The power of addiction means it will be months, if not a year or more before either of you, regardless of who is the addict, are ready to get into a relationship again. Rushing the process will only lead to relapses and disappointment.

There are many dealbreakers to be considered before you try to get your ex back.

To analyze these dealbreakers, take off your rose-colored glasses and access your past relationship without emotions getting involved. This cannot be done three days after the breakup!

That’s why a whole lot of things need to get done before you try to get your ex back. Things like building your confidence, applying self-care, and recognizing your part in the breakup.