How Often Does an Ex Come Back?

You’re reading the stuff on this site, but still, you’re asking this one big question: how often does an ex come back?

The statistics are all over the place on this one, mostly because when someone creates a study, they usually choose a group of people to study, like millennials, Gen X’ers, and so on, and the data is different for each age group.

For example, some research suggests that those who are fifty years old and older have a greater chance of not only getting their ex back but keeping him long-term.

If, however, you’re between twenty-five and thirty, your chances are lowest. The eighteen to twenty-four age group was most likely to break up, get back together, and break up again.

I think that all makes perfect sense, but the numbers still aren’t in your favor unless you do a few things, which we’ll talk about in a little bit.

How Often Does an Ex Come Back and Should You Focus ALL of Your Energy on THAT?

The truth of the matter is that sitting here wondering if you can get your ex back is a waste of your energy, but not for reasons you might think.

If you’re spending all of your time wondering if he’ll come back, it probably means you aren’t doing the work you need to do to get him back. You’re staying stuck in that one place, and it’s not a good place from which you can win him back.

Instead, you should focus your energy on things that will not only improve your chances of getting him back but will improve your life without him as well.

Wondering if He’ll Come Back May Just be a Stage of Grieving

Did you happen to read the Five Steps to Get Him Back? In Step 1, you learn about the stages of grieving a relationship. This wondering falls clearly into the Denial stage – you’re telling yourself the breakup isn’t real. He’ll be back. He’s just going through a phase.

The problem with the denial stage of grieving is that your mind is playing tricks on you. Your mind is addicted to those love hormones, and it’ll do anything to get them flowing again, including tricking you into believing he’ll be back for sure.

The second problem with denial is that once you recognize that you’re in denial, you slide into avoidance, which is a part of the denial phase. During avoidance, you try to avoid the fact that the breakup is real, mostly to avoid the painful feelings that accompany that realization.

Avoiding feelings is never a good thing, and in this instance, it will keep you from doing the work you should do to actually win him back.

How Often Does an Ex Come Back? Are You Considering the Dealbreakers?

In Step Two of the Five Step Process, you read about relationship dealbreakers. These can best be described as things that indicate you should never seek reconciliation.

The problem is that science tells us people are often way too accommodating when it comes to these dealbreakers. I believe there is one big reason for this – low confidence.

When you have low confidence, especially if it relates to dating, you’re more likely to feel grateful that someone has chosen you than you are to feel you have the power and ability to choose the right man. Therefore, if your ex wants to come back, even though he’s an alcoholic who abuses you, you’ll take him back because you either don’t believe you deserve better (low self-worth) or you don’t believe you can find anyone better (low confidence).

So, What are the Odds?

There are a few factors that work in your favor, some of which you can control, some you cannot. Several studies indicate that only 30% of exes get back together, and of that 30%, only fourteen to fifteen percent stay together. How can you make sure you fall in the right percentage?

Odds Are in Your Favor if…

First, as I mentioned earlier, if you’re fifty or over, your chances are greater than if you’re in the twenty-five to thirty age range.

Next, whether you can get him back depends on how long you were together in the first place. The more history you have, the better your odds.

Another factor is timing. Many who get back together do so within six months of the breakup. Note that this doesn’t say one month or even two. It says six.

A fourth factor, and this one is HUGE, is whether either or both of you engaged in any self-improvement while you were apart. If neither of you changes while you’re apart, how can you expect success the next time? Nothing has changed.

The next is your commitment to one another, which sometimes includes what you may have invested in the relationship. For example, if you have children together, you may have more invested and might be more committed.

Finally, and also important, is whether you’re still attracted to one another. Right now, you may be saying, “HECK YEAH Gregg! I’m totally attracted to him.” That tells me you’ve either only working on either Step One or Two, or you haven’t started any of the steps.

Odds Aren’t in Your Favor when…

When people were asked the reasons why they didn’t get back together, there were a few key data points.

First, people who said they were no longer attracted to their ex didn’t want to get back together. Keep this in mind because even if you still find him attractive, he may not find you attractive anymore. This doesn’t mean he thinks you’re ugly. Attraction goes beyond what you see in the mirror. Maybe you have different goals now or you’ve come to a big difference of opinion that you can’t overcome.

A second reason, thankfully, was that their partner was physically violent against them. This is a HUGE dealbreaker that too many people ignore. I’m happy to see that the data shows people do stay away for that reason.

Another reason is that you don’t find him attractive any longer. This is often something you recognize during steps two or three, when you’re assessing the breakup and rebuilding your confidence.

And finally, if you do have different long-term goals, it can be a reason to stay apart. For example, if one of you wants the whole 2.2 kids with a dog and a house with a white picket fence while the other wants to spend life traveling the world, you’ll find yourselves to be incompatible.

How Often Does an Ex Come Back if You Work on Yourself While You’re Apart?

Now we’re getting somewhere! Your odds of getting him back improve dramatically if one, or hopefully both of you do some personal improvement work while you’re apart.

This can go in many directions, and probably should at least include most of them.

Physical Improvement

Before you get upset with me, allow me to explain. First of all, I do not want you to improve your physical self for a man. Never. I want you to do it for you! When you don’t take care of yourself, it’s a sign of low self-worth and self-esteem.

Taking the time to exercise benefits you in many ways, including improved mood, decreased risk of cancers and heart disease, and just plain feeling better about yourself.

Mental Improvement

A breakup can cause you to feel stressed, anxious, and even depressed. Those feelings are on top of any other things that may be going on inside your beautiful mind.

Working on improving your self-talk so it’s more positive is one great way to begin, but learning how to deal with stress and anxiety is a huge win! Additionally, seeking professional help to deal with ongoing depression, stress, and anxiety will help you overall.

Emotional Control

Learning to identify and control your emotions is easier than it sounds. Having a grasp on your emotions is called emotional intelligence and it’s something you definitely want to master. Nothing feels worse than having a sense of feeling out of control.

But you aren’t out of control, you just don’t realize that you’re in control. The truth of the matter is that you’ve always controlled your emotions, you just didn’t realize it. Each time you fly off the handle for something, you’re in control, but you’re allowing reactivity instead of proactivity.

It’s a whole separate topic and you can learn more about it here.

What Does Time Together Have to Do with It?

I’ve mentioned a couple of times now that your relationship needs to have some history. But why?

One of the tools you learn in the Five Steps is to tweak his good memories of your relationship together. In order to do this, you need that history, and history is more than two or three weeks, or even two or three months.

In Step Four, you learn how to toy with his psyche, which simply means using those good memories to remind him of how great your relationship was.

Of course, time doesn’t matter much if you don’t have any good memories, so you need both.

But what makes a good memory? It doesn’t need to be something huge. It can be something small but memorable. It’s the value of the memory, not the size of it. A stolen kiss under the mistletoe at a company holiday party or a walk you took in the woods with the leaves crunching under your feet might be more memorable than a trip you took together.

Only you know, but a good memory must be a good memory to him, not just you. He may have given you a toe-curling kiss under the mistletoe, but unless he remembers it as a great moment, it doesn’t matter.

The more time you’ve spent together, the more likely you are to have those good memories.

Why Does Age Matter?

While no great explanation was given, my assumption is that when you’re over fifty, and I speak from experience, your life is more settled, and you know where you are and what you want.

Hopefully, you’re more mature as well, and you have a lot of relationship experience under your belt. Most people over fifty are less likely to date around and more likely to be looking for something long-term.

Additionally, when you’re over fifty, you tend to be more realistic about your expectations, which can help you be more accepting. You’re more flexible in what you will and won’t tolerate as well.

Why Does the Amount of Time Apart Matter?

Earlier I said that many couples who reconcile do so within six months of the breakup. A more correct statement might be that they reconcile at about the six-month mark.

One month or less is absolutely too soon. He’s still angry. You’re still hurt. Emotions are too high. If you reconcile at this point, you’ll be broken up again very soon.

The same is true of two and three months. For the first four to six weeks, everything is about the emotions behind the breakup. The longer you remain in contact, the longer it takes to move past this part of the process, which is why no contact can be so beneficial.

IF one or both of you spent the second and third months past the split working on yourselves and not dating, there’s a good chance you’ll find yourselves at least discussing the possibility.

During these months after the split, you need to get over the emotion of the breakup and work on rebuilding your confidence. He needs to do some work on himself and get over whatever negativity he has toward you and the relationship. You too probably have negative feelings, which works into that emotion.

If you follow the Five Step Process, by month four, you should be feeling much better and he should be moving past his negative feelings. This is when you learn to tweak those positive memories by reaching out with slip in/slip out. You can read more about that here.

As you’ve read and will read again, it’s possible to go years before reconciling. You may decide after you work on your confidence and assess the relationship that you no longer want him back, but twenty years down the road, you may both find yourselves in different places and a reconciliation may work.

How Often Does an Ex Come Back if There are Lingering Feelings?

This goes in your favor, but those feelings must be mutual and acting on them doesn’t mean doing so in the first six months after a breakup. I know many people who dated in their teens or even college years and split up, only to get back together many years later and enjoy a very happy and successful relationship.

In fact, I have a neighbor who has been seeing a man she dated in middle school. They’ve been together for two years, maybe a little more. It was a long-distance relationship for a while, but he’s since retired and moved into her condo with her.

I know another couple who dated in high school and reconnected at a high school reunion. They married, both of them having lost their spouses to disease, and they lived happily until her passing.

Clearly, lingering feelings means you may not get back together for years, which may feel disappointing to you, but the message I have for you today is to follow the Five Steps and prepare yourself for love, either with your ex or someone else.

And just because my two examples were indicative of many years passing between relationships doesn’t mean that’s how it will work out for you.

Does the No Contact Rule Help or Hurt? Really…

Women hate the no contact rule because it goes against your greatest instincts, but I guarantee you that it’s one of your keys to success.

You want to keep reaching out, letting him know that you still love him. You don’t want him to forget you and you’re sure that if you go no contact, he will indeed forget you.

The truth is that your ex broke up with you, which means he has negative feelings about you and the relationship. Every single time you reach out to him, begging, saying lovey things, or being angry, you reinforce those negative feelings.

The best thing you can do is let him get past them. This means giving him time away from you.

I know your fears. He’ll find someone else. He’ll move on without you. I get it and I hear you, but those things will happen regardless of what you do. The difference is in how long he maintains those negative feelings.

The second reason to go no contact is because he doesn’t expect you to. He expects the ugly, sad, begging emails, texts, and voicemails.

When you do something unexpected, it gives him a moment of pause. He now starts to wonder why you aren’t acting as he expects. Did you find someone else? Have you moved on without him?

Understand this. There’s some chance that you’re his fallback plan. He decided that his life could possibly be better if he was single again, so he ended your relationship. He’s sure that women will be lining up to date him, if only he didn’t have a girlfriend or wife.

So, now he’s single and guess what? The women aren’t falling all over themselves to date him. In fact, in the last two weeks, he’s had one date, and she didn’t compare to you, not that he’s ready to admit that yet.

Essentially, he may have gone into the breakup thinking that if things don’t work out in this single’s life he’s envisioned, he can always come back to you.

But if you stop sending those texts, emails, and voicemails, he may panic. All of a sudden, his plan B is wavering and he’s not sure what to think.

He’s not ready to come back to you yet, though, so don’t be thinking that. But he is now worried that he’s made a big mistake.

What Steps Should You Take?

Well, we’ve been tapdancing around this for a while, so let’s stop dancing and get into it! What steps can you take to place yourself and your ex in that successful fifteen percent of couples who get back together and stay together?

Go Through the Five Steps

Of course, this is my first suggestion! Those five steps were very carefully researched and laid out for you. It’s my sincerest belief that those steps give you the greatest chance of getting your ex back. But, if you don’t believe me, here are some things you can try instead.

Examine Why You Want Him to Come Back

In Step Two of the Five Steps to Get Him Back, you examine the breakup and what went wrong. In that step, you learn to examine your true feelings about the breakup. This is important because it can be eye-opening.

At first, you’re shocked, and the breakup sends you reeling. Then, you go randomly through the stages of grieving a relationship (I linked to those above) and you feel an assortment of emotions.

It’s important to allow yourself to experience those stages of grief because they help you find your way clear to the other side. They’re natural stages that occur in most breakups.

The key is to use them to understand what you’re feeling at that time and how you feel about the relationship itself.

Also, during step two, you’ll give your own assessment of whether your ex is really capable of being in a relationship. This can be a tough one to go through if you discover that he may not be, but that honesty is important. Why continue to want someone back if he’s incapable of love?

Figure out why you want him back. You may have a valid reason, other than because I still love him. Love isn’t enough to hold a relationship together.

Take this time of healing and assessment to find the honest answer to this question. Again, the best thing you can do during this relationship down-time is to work on yourself.

Work on Yourself

Probably the best thing, next to going through the five steps that is, is to work on yourself. Neither of us can control what your ex will do during this time. I can’t control what you will do, but I can make a suggestion and that’s my suggestion.

Work on your confidence. Make a bucket list. Set some goals and go for them with gusto. I have many resources on rebuilding your confidence on my sister site, Who Holds the Cards Now. You can find those resources here.

Go No Contact

This is repetitive, I know, but it’s important to at least mention it again. Practicing no contact during the first thirty days after your breakup will benefit you immensely in your attempt to get him back.

Again, I’ll say that the Five Steps will help you know how and when you can reach out, and there are specific times and methods of doing so that will help you!

If you’ve been contacting him so far, it’s okay. Now that you know, however, it’s time.

Just understand this. No contact means you aren’t reaching out to him. Should he contact you, give a brief and kind reply. This isn’t the time to engage in a three-hour texting marathon. Tell him you have something you need to get off to and end the conversation relatively soon after it begins. Promise to talk to him again soon if necessary.

Be Patient

I know each day feels like ten when you’re waiting for something you want so badly, but patience is your best friend.

The best way to accomplish this is to get busy doing something, or more than one something. If you do get back to the gym, that’s a start. You can also take a class in something that interests you or find a hobby to get into.

Re-engage with your friends and enjoy an evening out with them a couple of times a month. Join some groups that share a similar interest to some of yours. You can also volunteer somewhere, like a nursing home or an animal shelter.

There are tons of ways to make your life busier, all of them beneficial to you and your quest to get your ex back.

How Often Does an Ex Come Back and What are the Signs?

There are some signs that indicate that he might want to come back. They are:

He initiates contact, and it isn’t about the kids, pets, living arrangements, or through tagging you on social media – he asks how you are
He reaches out regularly and responds quickly and with excitement, but again, this only applies if you’re talking about your personal lives and not the other topics (kids, pets, etc.)
He seems curious about you – this may stem from noticing that you’re out in the world doing things like working out, etc.
He drunk texts or calls – people are less inhibited when they’re under the influence and often, their true feelings come out, so if he keeps drunk texting or calling, it could be a sign he regrets the breakup (but then again – if he’s drinking all the time, be careful)
He finds reasons to reach out, like holidays, birthdays, or even that he left something at your place and he claims he wants it back; this isn’t a sign by itself, but combined with some of the others, it could be
He apologizes for the breakup and his part in what happened and acknowledges that he needs to work on fixing the problem
He brings up past hurts – if he still cares, he may bring up things from the past that you did that hurt him; this is his way of saying he’s still attracted to you
He shows up where he thinks you’ll be – like showing up at the gym when he knows you work out or happening to be at the coffee shop when he knows you’re usually rolling by
He stays in touch with your friends and family – this one is only impressive toward him coming back if he wasn’t super close to them before; if he was, then he might just be reaching out because he cares about them
He’s jealous when you date other men – if he didn’t care for you, he wouldn’t care about you and who you date; he may even try to sabotage your new relationship
Your breakup was a heat of the moment thing – you got into an argument and someone stormed off, leaving to go sleep on some friends’ couch
He talks about a future with you, like suggesting where you can go together or planning dates

What are the Signs He’s Most Likely NOT Coming Back?

While there are signs that he may come back, there are also some pretty solid signs that he’s not likely to come back. Let’s dig into those:

He’s not communicating at all, in fact, he’s changed his phone number and blocked you everywhere
If you see one another now, the conversation feels dead – space just hangs between you where you feel like you want someone to say something but neither of you knows what that is
You’re in the friend zone
He’s having a great time without you, like planning vacations, doing things he wanted to do while you were together, etc.
He bad-mouths you to others
He gives back all of your stuff
Instead of staying in touch with your friends and family, he avoids them
He shows no jealousy or curiousity when you date other men
His rebound relationship turns long-term
Your gut says so – always trust your intuition, it rarely fails you
Your mutual friends suggest it’s time for you to move on – they’re in contact with both of you and they can see the signs better than you can
His personality and/or attitude toward you changes drastically
He tries to make you jealous – he might do this to make the point that he’s perfectly happy without you; it’s his way of asking you to move on like he did

Wrapping Up How Often Does an Ex Come Back

The truth is that I cannot predict if your ex will come back. Nobody can with any true accuracy. All I can do is give you the tools and information to help you make an informed decision and to have your best chance of getting him back.

Again, remember that the only person you can control is you, so your job now is to do your best to be the best version of yourself you can be.

This puts you in the position to choose a great man instead of being grateful to be chosen. Powerful versus powerless.