Relationship commitment issues can make a guy difficult to date and even more difficult to get back after a breakup. Can you get him back? Is he worth the bother? Find out more below.
Why Does He Have Relationship Commitment Issues?
Past Relationship Experiences
Sometimes, when someone isn’t ready to commit, it comes from their own experience in relationships. A really bad relationship experience can make a person very wary to commit. He may think he wants to commit to you, but something inside has him running scared.
In this instance, you might not be able to turn him around. He needs to do some work on himself before he’s ready for more with you.
You cannot fix this guy. I know you want to and you think you can, but you cannot. A man must sort this one out for himself. Your best bet, I’m sorry to say, is to find a guy who can commit. You may wait a lifetime for this guy to figure it out.
Relationship Commitment Issues: Not in the Right Place in Life
At other times, relationship commitment issues signal not being where you want to be in life, like facing a financial crisis or an unwanted career change. This is particularly important to a man. Great men need to feel stable in their financial life because, even if you’re financially stable yourself, he needs to feel as if he can support you and any family you have, now or later.
He also needs to feel stable in his career because this is where his financial stability comes from. It can be a real blow for a guy to lose his job, regardless of the circumstances.
If your ex has relationship commitment issues, be patient. He may pull back for a while, but that’s so he can pull things together. He’s working on getting where he wants to be so he can be the man you deserve. This guy is worth waiting for.
Meanwhile, follow the Five Steps to Get Him Back and you’ll be ready for him when he gets his act together.
Relationship Commitment Issues | He’s Afraid to Share Where He Really Is
Making a commitment means sharing your life in more tangible ways, like getting a place together, sharing finances and responsibilities. If your credit is trashed or your finances aren’t where they should be, it can be embarrassing and make you feel vulnerable.
Showing his vulnerable side is a big deal to a guy and if your relationship isn’t there yet, he may struggle with this. Male pride is a real thing and he needs to pull his act together before he’ll feel like he can be the man you should have.
If he tells you he needs to get some things back on track in his life, you can choose to wait, or you can move on. This guy might want to get his act together but it might take longer than you’re willing to wait. He also may have desire but lack ability or drive. This one could go either way.
He Fears Not Being Accepted by Your Family
An inability to commit also comes from a fear of not being accepted by your family. I recall a woman I coached a few years ago who wanted to marry a man from the Dominican Republic. Her family had very strong old-world views on interracial marriage, and she feared that her family wouldn’t accept him. Ultimately, she was wrong and even her grandmother loved him.
This is tricky to overcome. He may fear his family won’t accept you or vice versa. Either way, he doesn’t want to put you through something difficult. If you discuss a reconciliation with this guy, you need to overcome this hurdle, it’s a big one.
Relationship Commitment Issues | He Just Might Not Be Ready
Relationship commitment issues can arise when he still wants to see who else is out there. He fears if he commits to you and finds someone he likes better, he will disappoint you either by breaking the commitment or having an affair. At least he’s being honest that he isn’t ready.
Move on and move up! Yes, he was honest about his feelings, and you must recognize that he’s saying you’re not it for him, right now. He might come back to you later, but how long are you willing to wait? Forever isn’t a great answer. Set a time frame for him to figure it out and then move on!
He Doesn’t See You as His Forever Person
Have you ever dated a guy, but you didn’t see him as your forever person? I’m sure your ex doesn’t fit this category, but I bet you’ve experienced it. “I’ll just have a little fun with this guy while I’m looking for Mr. Right.” It happens and it’s not pretty when someone strings you along for a while.
If a guy is honest with you and says this, it’s going to sting, but it’s better to find out now as opposed to ten years down the line when there are three kids and a dog to consider.
Relationship Commitment Issues Because He Has Trust Issues
This is difficult to overcome and it’s not something you can fix for him. When someone has trust issues, your relationship is missing a key foundational stone. It would be like building a three-legged stool with two legs – it will never stand up.
Someone who is battling trust issues needs to seek therapy to learn to trust again. Their trust has been broken badly and now, they need time to fix it and heal.
While it can be difficult, you might need let this guy go, unless he’s already working on it and you think you can wait. Set a time limit on how long you’re willing to wait for him.
Just because he says he’s working on it doesn’t mean he really is. Guys will say and do anything to keep a girl hooked.
He’s Afraid of Losing His Sense of Freedom
If a guy was single for a while, he enjoys having the ability to do anything he wants, whenever he wants. When he thinks about getting into a committed relationship, he fears his freedom will disappear.
Some men don’t really want freedom and you can use something called perceived freedom. With perceived freedom, he thinks and feels as if he can make those decisions, but in reality, he knows it’s really up to you.
This is okay with him, as long as he knows you won’t keep a strangle-hold on his life. Perceived freedom means he can tell his buddies he can go golfing with them, but he knows he needs to discuss it with you first. When it comes through to his friends, you weren’t involved in that decision.
How Can You Date Someone with Relationship Commitment Issues?
When someone is experiencing commitment issues, what they’re really doing is putting bricks into a wall around their heart. They fear being hurt because they’ve experienced that hurt in the past and they don’t want to feel it again.
Discuss Your Relationship Goals
Before you get in too deep with a guy, discuss your relationship goals. You don’t need to have a marriage discussion on the second date, but it is okay to ask what his relationship goals are.
He might surprise you by saying he wants to get married and have eight kids, or he may say that he is enjoying his single life but wants to have a steady girlfriend without a lifetime commitment.
You must weigh your goals to his to see if it’s what you really want. Do not give up your goals for his. You won’t be happy in the long run and one or both of you will be resentful later.
Don’t Chase Him
If you’re dealing with someone who has relationship commitment issues, don’t put on a full-court press. Put your energy it into keeping an active life outside of your relationship.
His commitment issues aren’t about you, they’re his issues. If you keep an active life outside of your relationship with him, you won’t feel lonely and empty when he goes rogue, which he will do if he feels you’re chasing him too hard.
Try to Dig Deeper into His “Why”
Many times, there is a trust issue at the root of a commitment phobia. He developed limiting beliefs about himself, such as all my relationships end badly. Of course, this probably isn’t true, but he’s experienced it enough times to believe your relationship will be the same.
If you patiently try to understand where his relationship commitment issues are rooted, you might be able to help him understand his flawed line of thinking and help him move forward.
Be Sensitive to The Issue
If you want this guy to feel comfortable around you, be sensitive to his commitment issues and give him some space. He might not feel comfortable doing relationship things like meeting your family or attending holiday events with them.
It’s okay to go stag to those events and if he’s in it for the long haul, he’ll meet your family when he feels ready. Pushing now will only make him feel more uncomfortable.
Give Him Space to Figure Out His Relationship Commitment Issues
Some people may think that someone with relationship commitment issues can’t feel or doesn’t feel love, but that isn’t true. They do feel those things, but those feelings scare them. In this instance, he just needs time to figure things out.
If he really wants to be with you and you provide him with the space to figure things out, he’ll often work it through.
Offer Him the Ability to Commit in Baby Steps
If you’ve dated for a few months and now, you’re pushing for him to move in with you, it might be too much too fast.
Instead, dole commitment out in smaller pieces. Stay over at his place and ask him to stay over at yours once in a while. Don’t expect this every night or it’s the same thing.
Demanding more than he feels emotionally ready to handle will only make you both miserable.
Instead of asking him to meet your entire family at once, take him to meet one or two people you know will be accepting of him. Then add a couple more and so on. This way, he won’t feel as if he’s one person in a room full of strangers.
Give Him That Freedom He’s Afraid of Losing
If that is his issue, the best thing you can do is give him his freedom. He will appreciate this, and it will nudge him closer to falling for you.
This is an exercise in learning how to compromise with one another. If he has plans to go golfing with his buddies and it’s your grandmother’s 80th birthday, you might need to go alone. Explain to Grandma that your guy will be along with you next time, but he had a prior engagement.
Be Supportive
If he chooses therapy or asks for time to sort things out, be supportive. This will go a long way in helping him develop trust in you. Don’t bombard him with questions after he’s been to a therapist but let him know that if he wants to talk to you, you’re there.
If and when he does come to you, listen without comment and judgment. He feels vulnerable and if you manage this one right, he’ll feel more confident about other issues that may come up later.
Have a Timeline
Someone with commitment issues may take years to sort things out and it’s unreasonable for them to ask you to wait. In fact, that would apply more pressure to an already stressful situation.
Instead, set a timeline. You don’t need to share this timeline with him, but you should have one nonetheless.
How long you decide to wait should be reasonable. If he’s going to therapy and working through stuff, waiting six months or so isn’t out of the question. If he’s lost his job and needs to regroup with a new job and better financial situation, that might take a few months as well.
Be reasonable, but not so reasonable that you’re waiting for him to figure his stuff out in six years.
Take Care of You
Be careful to ensure that your needs are being met. Women are nurturers by nature and often will sacrifice their own needs in lieu of someone they love. Someone with commitment issues is sometimes not aware of the impact their aloof behavior is having on those around them, including you.
Make sure that what you want out of a relationship with this guy is possible. Can he provide you with what you need, emotionally and otherwise?
Understand That He May Never Be Able to Overcome His Relationship Commitment Issues
In spite of his best efforts, and yours, this guy may never be able to commit. This is why having a timeline and taking care of yourself are so important. It can be very hard to get to the end of that six-month timeframe you gave him, only to realize that he hasn’t changed a bit, but you must do so and move on.
If anyone wants something badly enough, they will do whatever it takes to get there. If, however, they allow their fear to overrun their life, there’s nothing you can do about it and you must protect your own heart from further damage.
As sad as it will be, you must stick to your timeline and move forward. Sure, he might come to you in a year with his act pulled together, and if you aren’t dating anyone at that time, there’s nothing wrong with pursuing a new relationship, but don’t wait for it. If he loses you because he dragged his feet, it’s his loss!
Don’t Stop Living Your Own Life While He Figures His Out
It might seem like a good idea to stay just as you are, so he will still like you later, but the truth is that as humans, we’re always improving, or we should be.
If you put your life on hold to wait six months for this guy, you’re only hurting yourself, not helping him commit.
In fact, I would argue that you’ll entice him to commit if you do continue living your life. Show him that you’re moving on and doing things. Show him how you’re changing things up with a new job, new hairstyle or new apartment.
He will be intrigued, and he might even put the pedal to the metal if he fears another guy will snatch you up before he figures his stuff out.
Never put your life on hold for someone else. Dating someone with relationship commitment issues is an exercise in patience and understanding, but it’s also a time for you to continue being you and pushing for your own personal growth.
