Learning how to regain your confidence after a breakup will help you face one of life’s worst experiences. I wish I could make it so that nobody ever felt rejected. It’s an awful thing to experience and it takes whatever confidence you had in yourself, especially when it comes to dating and men, and it tosses it right into the trash.
But just because you’ve gone through a breakup doesn’t mean you can’t gather some tips on how to regain your confidence now that you have the time. Today is all about giving you some tools you can use to attract a great man, whether it’s your ex or a new guy, and to feel better about yourself overall.
Tool 1: How to Regain Your Confidence by Putting Yourself First
When people enter new relationships and there is chemistry, they tend to go all in. They suddenly want to spend all their time together, foregoing hobbies, friendships, and other opportunities like volunteering.
So, you know you need to put yourself first now, but what does that mean?
Set Boundaries
Many people believe that setting boundaries makes them look unapproachable or mean. But the only people who think that way are the people who were crashing through them before.
Boundaries are the rules of engagement for your relationships with others. You will require different boundaries for different people or situations.
For example, if you’ve always volunteered for everything at your kids’ school, you need a boundary. You’re the go-to person. They don’t try to find other people to do things now. They start with you.
But you’re shouldering more responsibility and you’re exhausted. Still, the PTA president calls and needs your help.
You say yes but regret the decision immediately.
You need a boundary.
It’s okay to say yes when you want to say yes. It’s not okay to say yes because you’re afraid that if you don’t, people will think less of you.
Here’s a news flash. If they held you in any esteem, you wouldn’t be their doormat.
Sure, you may be a hard worker and a woman who gets things done, but you’re still the go-to.
Saying yes to one thing means you’re saying no to something else. What are you saying no to? Time away from your kids? Time away from self-care?
There is a space of time between when someone asks you to do something and when you reply. Start adding time to that space. Instead of reflexively saying yes, tell them you’ll think about it and get back to them. If they force you into an immediate decision, say no.
Trust me, they’ll be back, so if you change your mind, you’ll get a second chance to say yes.
Implement a Self-Care Routine
Women who have tons of stuff on their plates rarely think of taking time for self-care. You’re too busy shuttling kids from school to baseball to swimming to soccer with a trip for fast food somewhere in between.
Or you’re working 12-hour days, coming home with barely enough energy to walk the dog one last time, pour yourself a glass of wine and go to bed.
One great sign that you need to practice self-care is feeling overwhelmed. This is something that sneaks up on you, but once it hits, it feels like you can’t overcome it.
Self-care isn’t just a bubble bath with candles and a glass of wine. That’s physical self-care. There are five other types of self-care:
- Emotional/Mental
- Spiritual
- Intellectual
- Sensory
- Social
Each of the six types of self-care enriches your life in a different way, as you can see by their categories.
Physical self-care might mean exercising or getting a massage. Sensory self-care is all about engaging your senses. See the beauty around you. Smell the roses or lilacs. Taste that delectable bite. Spiritual self-care is about your spiritual life, whether it’s church or meditation, or something else entirely. Practicing intellectual self-care is about growing and learning. You get the idea.
The point is to take time for yourself. Stop going ninety miles an hour twenty hours a day. You’re going to run out of gas, and it won’t be pretty.
Self-care book
Improve Your Inner Game
Your inner game is what’s going on in your headspace. What self-talk are you using? What types of decisions are you making? Are you emotionally reactive or proactive? Do you believe you deserve good things in your life?
A breakup can do a real number on your inner game. Your ex flung all sorts of insults at you during the breakup and some of them sounded amazingly like things you heard as a kid, so they stuck.
It’s time to clean up your inner game with positive thoughts and energy. Listen to what’s going on in that beautiful mind of yours and clean house. This isn’t something that happens overnight. It will take quite a bit of time, and if your inner game has been the same for a long time, it might take a professional to steer you in the right direction.
Just above, I said there is a space between when someone asks you to do something and when you reply.
That same space exists between the stimulus and your response. Many people just allow the knee-jerk response to flow out of their mouths. This is emotional reactivity. Your emotions are controlling you.
Growing up emotionally means you learn how to put that time in between what stimulates you and how you reply. We all grew up hearing “count to ten first, then reply” and that’s what it means. Counting to ten is putting that time between stimulus and response so you can choose how you really want to reply.
It’s called many things: emotional intelligence, emotional control, and being emotionally proactive. Regardless of what you call it, it means you’re taking control.
Tool 2: How to Regain Your Confidence by Forgiving
Forgiveness is misunderstood.
People always say, “I can’t forgive him! Look what he did to me! Forgiving him is like saying that what he did was okay.”
No. That isn’t forgiveness.
Forgiveness is for you. It’s your best move to let go of the past. When you forgive someone, you don’t even need to tell them, unless you want to. Sometimes, issuing that forgiveness is warranted, but that’s for you to decide.
To forgive someone, you merely tell yourself that it’s forgiven. You are letting go of the hurt that was caused and choosing to live for your future instead of being stuck in the past.
Because that’s what anger is – holding on to the past.
There is a payoff for it somewhere. What’s your payoff? What is the benefit of holding on to the anger? Are you getting attention from your friends or family? Are people letting you have your own way, so you don’t turn on them too?
It’s difficult to admit sometimes that we’re doing something for an emotional payoff, but often, that’s exactly what’s happening.
Letting go of anger doesn’t say what you did to me was okay. It says I’m not letting you live rent-free in my head any longer.
Anger wastes so much energy that you could put toward something else. It saps you and leaves you exhausted and bitter.
When you let that go by forgiving, you feel lighter and freer. You suddenly see the world through new, brighter lenses and you learn how to smile again.
In this instance, the most important person you may need to forgive is your ex, followed closely by yourself. You’ll be amazed at how much better you feel!
Tool 3: How to Regain Your Confidence and Self-Esteem
Confidence and self-esteem aren’t the same thing, although they’re often confused.
Confidence is your belief in your ability to do something. You can be confident in your ability to draw, run ten miles, or find great men. Confidence varies in different areas of your life.
Self-esteem is how you view yourself. Do you see yourself as a woman who deserves good things in your life? Are you kind to yourself? Do you see the strengths you have?
Like confidence, self-esteem can be low or high, depending on what’s going on in your life. If you’ve grown up with people constantly telling you negative things, you believe them. Consequently, you have low self-esteem.
This quick video from Mind shares what a few people think about self-esteem and how it impacts their lives. Listen to their suggestions about how they’re working to improve their self-esteem. It’s just a three-minute video but they pack a lot into those three minutes.
If your ex is one of the people who made a sport out of criticizing you, it’s time to cut that cord. This isn’t someone you should want back. He was emotionally abusing you and that’s as harmful as physical abuse. Some might argue it’s more harmful because the physical scars will heal but the emotional scars take much longer.
The problem with low self-esteem after a breakup is that it prevents you from moving forward. There’s a little voice inside constantly whispering:
- You can’t do this, whatever this is
- You aren’t worthy of a good man
- You shouldn’t be trying to be in a relationship
- Nobody wants to talk to you
Start listening to that voice, but not so you believe what’s being said. Listen so you know what you need to change. If that voice is coming from your ex, it’s time to implement the no-contact rule and disengage from any sort of communication with him.
Tool 4: How to Regain Your Confidence by Feeling What Happened
Stuffing feelings is how we avoid feeling the pain. If I ignore that pain, it will go away, right?
No. It won’t.
Negative emotions are difficult for anyone to feel, but if you don’t allow yourself to feel them, they burrow down and grow roots. Instead of becoming less intense, they fester, like an infected wound, and blow up when you least expect it.
It’s no fun to feel abandoned by the person you thought would be with you through the tough times.
Nor is it fun to feel the sadness of that loss either, but ignoring the feeling doesn’t mean it’s gone.
If you treat your feelings as if they’re fluid, they become more manageable. I use the following analogy often.
Imagine your feelings are like leaves floating down a stream. They come toward you, floating along and slowly approaching. They don’t stop in front of you. They keep floating by.
A negative emotion like sadness can feel like it sticks in front of you, but it only does that if you reach out and grab onto it. Like a leaf you may grab as it’s floating by, it’s yours as long as you keep holding it. Once you let it go, it will float away.
One of the most difficult things we can do is to feel our feelings and let them go. I mentioned earlier that holding onto anger can have a payoff. This is true of many emotions. What’s the payoff to remaining sad? You might be appalled at this idea, but before you dismiss it, really think about what you’re gaining by holding onto a negative emotion.
Then, ask yourself if it’s really worth the price you’re paying.
There’s a gain, but there’s also a price. Is that price happiness? What’s the price?
Tool 5: How to Regain Your Confidence by Maintaining Your Schedule
It’s so easy, so very easy to fall out of your routine after a breakup. When you were together, you got up and went to the gym first thing, then came home and got ready for work, ate breakfast, and went about your day.
Without him, what’s the point, right?
The point is that you need that routine now more than ever. Stick to the same sleeping, eating, and working out schedule you were on before. A regular sleep schedule will help your body get the rest it needs.
Eating healthy and regularly provides the energy you need to plow through the day, and the regular workout schedule helps you burn off the stress and anxiety of the situation.
I know you don’t feel like it right now, but part of what you need to prove to yourself right now is that you can survive on your own and that you can survive this.
All of these: eating, sleeping, and working out provide your body with everything it needs to remain healthy.
If you’re worried about running into him at the gym, shift things around. Maybe you go to the gym after work instead of before. Yes, it’s a change in your routine, but a worthwhile one and one that won’t harm you overall.
Tool 6: How to Regain Your Confidence by Meeting New People
Another great way to regain your confidence after a breakup is to get out there and meet new people. If you have something you’re passionate about, like Alzheimer’s, animals, or theater, find a group that supports that cause and go to an event. Volunteer with an organization that supports something you love and talk to someone new.
You can also find meetup groups online that share your hobbies, or you can join a class at the gym.
At first, I don’t recommend that you try to meet a new man, especially while you’re still rebuilding your confidence, but in a few months, if you and your ex don’t get back together, it’ll be time.
New people help us see the world through new eyes. They have experiences that are different, and their stories are new to us. This is great because it expands you intellectually and helps you grow in new directions.
Additionally, when you meet people who are interested in the same things you are, especially men, you already have common ground to stand on when you’re first together. It can help smooth out any conversational hiccups.
Tool 7: How to Regain Your Confidence with Patience
I’m sorry to tell you that you aren’t going to feel better for a while. It can take up to three months for most people to truly say they feel better after a breakup.
It’s the rejection that kicks you hard. Science tells us that the part of our brain that is sensitive to emotional pain is also sensitive to physical pain. This means that this breakup can hurt as much as something physical, especially if you’re sensitive to physical pain already.
How long it takes you to heal depends on a few things:
- Who initiated the breakup
- How long you were together
- How well you got along before the breakup (if you were already unhappy)
- Whether your family approves or disapproves of the breakup
- Your own self-worth
- Your attachment style
- How committed you were to one another before the breakup (were you engaged or married?)
Another factor in how long it will take is your current level of self-esteem. If your self-esteem was already low, it may be more difficult for you to process the breakup. If your level of self-esteem was, to some extent, based on the relationship, you’ll take the breakup more personally. The wound will be deeper.
So be patient with yourself. You have feelings and it’s okay to feel them, as long as you put them back into the stream and let them float by in a reasonable time. You can even say I choose to feel sad for three days, then I’m going to let my sadness go.
The point is not to rush yourself through the grieving process of losing this relationship. It’s real and it’s not easy for everyone. You can learn about the stages of grieving a relationship on our sister site, WeCanGetYourExBack.com.
Tool 8: How to Regain Your Confidence by Finding Outside Activities
I’ve kind of tap-danced around this for a while, but let’s make it a topic now. If you sit at home, day after day, wallowing in your grief and self-pity, your recovery will be slower and your journey to regain your confidence will take longer.
Instead, after you’ve given yourself that time to feel sad, get back out there. Find your friends who will be supportive and plan an evening out. Resurrect that gym membership if you’re not using it. Rekindle your love of a hobby or two. Find something to be passionate about, then go out and support it.
Get OUT. Out. Out. Out! Go live life! Nothing good will come from sitting at home rehashing everything you said and did that might have caused the relationship to end. Read this next sentence multiple times:
It takes two people to break a relationship.
The fault is not just yours, and it’s not just his. Both of you played a role in what happened. Ruminating over what happened doesn’t change a thing. The past is where it belongs. In the past. Leave it there and move forward.
If you struggle to do this, ask yourself again, what’s the payoff to staying miserable? Why am I making that choice? Then recognize that you have so much more to gain if you go out and live your life.
Tool 9: How to Regain Your Confidence Through Your Choices
This is another topic that we’ve been dancing around for a while, and now here it is, all by itself.
Many people fail to realize that with every word, emotion, and expression, they’re making a choice. Even though your reactions might happen in a split second, you can control them.
Your mind works to limit how many choices you make by using automatic responses. That’s why they feel like they’re out of your control.
Let’s imagine you were bitten by a large dog when you were small. That fear stayed with you and your brain has made a connection between big dog and instant terror. But now, you’re grown, and you know that not every large dog will bite you. You can make a conscious effort to change your reaction.
Recognize when you’re reacting to something automatically and in a way you’d like to change. Of course, it’s probably too late to stop your reaction this time but take some deep breaths and tell yourself it’s okay. Each time you see a big dog now, you can do the same – but sooner because now you know. Your mind begins to process big dog = this is okay because you told it to react that way.
I keep saying there’s a space between a stimulus and your response. Making choices is about expanding that space so you give yourself time to choose a response that gets you to your goal, whatever that is. If it’s being less afraid of big dogs, then you’ve given yourself time to choose calm instead of panic and fear.
This will help you take a huge step in regaining your confidence so it’s well worth the effort it will take. Simply become aware of how you react to different things, then decide how you’d like to respond instead. It will take time, but you can do it!
Tool 10: How to Regain Your Confidence with Goals
I realize how fortunate I was to have a father who taught these things to me when I was growing up. I’ve been setting goals since I wanted my first BMX bike.
Goals help you build confidence because you prove to yourself that you can do something if you set your mind to it.
Many people daydream of the life they want, always imagining that it can never happen. Why? Why don’t you believe you can’t have that thing you’re dreaming of?
Mmhm. It’s a negative thought you have about yourself, isn’t it? You dream of owning a certain type of home, but then your negative voice comes in and says, “You’ll never own a home like that. You don’t deserve it.”
This is where you get to argue with yourself and win! “Yes, I can have that! I do deserve it!”
Anyone can set and achieve their goals. Let’s say that again.
Anyone can set and achieve their goals. Including you!
Take those dreams and formulate a plan. What steps do you need to take to get there? If the goal seems too big, like owning a certain type of home, make an easier goal first, like reducing your debt and saving the money you’ll need. What do you need to do to get there?
I know a young woman who wanted to buy a condo, so she’d work at her day job, then since her fiancé was working nights, she’d come home, change clothes, and go out doing Uber Eats for a few hours. Within a few months of Ubering and tightening her belt, she was able to put down a deposit on a condo.
Recognize the steps you need to take then start taking them! Don’t allow negative self-talk to get in your way. Argue back!
How to Regain Your Confidence Summary
You have ten tools now to help you regain your confidence after your breakup. If you want to find another great man or get back with your ex, this is a crucial step.
A great man admires confidence and seeks it out. Your ex, if you want him back, will also see the positive changes and be intrigued.
But don’t do it for a man.
Do it for you. This is the best gift you can give yourself. It changes your entire world.
Knowing how to regain your confidence is one of the most powerful things you can learn and one that will stay with you for a lifetime.
