I’m often asked if ex back coaching works and if it works for everyone, and while I wish my answer could be yes, there are other factors in play.
One of these factors is whether you and your ex should get back together. There are circumstances in which reconciliation isn’t a great idea. There is also the chance that your guy either isn’t capable of love or isn’t emotionally healthy enough for love.
The third factor is your willingness to take the advice of the ex back coaching you receive and whether you choose a coach who knows what he’s talking about. One final factor that may impact your ability to get him back is whether you’ve been together long enough.
Whew! That’s a lot, and I don’t mean to discourage you, but I feel it’s essential to be honest with you from the beginning.
Let’s take each of these circumstances, one at a time, and examine them further.
Ex Back Coaching | Is He Worth Getting Back?
In the book X Back: The Five-Step Process to Get Him Back, I outline more than a dozen circumstances in which you should not seek reconciliation with your ex. I call these dealbreakers. But other things may indicate you shouldn’t try to get back with your ex.
He’s Emotionally Unavailable
Some men are not emotionally available for a relationship. Almost always, something in their past has left an imprint on them where relationships are concerned.
For some men, the cause is a failed relationship or past abuse. For others, they grew up in a home with emotionally unavailable parents, and he doesn’t know any other way to be.
An emotionally unavailable man might have a dozen other reasons, but the thing you need to know is that it’s up to him, not you or me, to make any changes. Also, understand that he doesn’t enjoy feeling this way. When his emotions creep up, he feels incredibly anxious because he doesn’t know how to manage them.
Are There Enough Memories?
I know you’re shaking your head, wondering why this makes a difference. Part of ex back coaching is helping you reach out to your ex in a meaningful way, meaningful to him, that is.
To do this, you need to have enough shared memories for your messages to have an impact. While most coaches will encourage you to go 100% no contact for some time, my approach is slightly different. In Steps One and Four, you learn how to reach out to him in ways that come across almost like a sucker punch to the gut.
But this is only impactful if you have shared memories. Another way to look at it is that your relationship must be more than a few weeks or months old.
Ex back coaching won’t help you if your shared memories are terrible or if you only dated for a couple of months. You just don’t have enough time in the relationship for him to want to come back.
Do Any of the Dealbreakers Apply?
There are more than a dozen dealbreakers listed in the book, as well as more information on why they’re dealbreakers, so I’m not going in-depth here. Instead, allow me to list a few for you.
Physical or Emotional Abuse
No ex back coach worth his weight will help you return to an abusive relationship. If you were physically or emotionally abused, you should seek help in the form of safety, security, and therapy. Physical and emotional abuse do a real number on your emotional well-being that someone like me isn’t equipped to handle.
Drug or Alcohol Abuse
It doesn’t matter which one of you was abusing drugs or alcohol; a reconciliation is not a good idea. If the person using wants to recover, that should be the focus of all their energy. A relationship is not a good idea until detoxification and rehabilitation are well past.
In this instance, I would guess you’re at least a year away from being healthy enough to re-engage in a relationship. And I say you because whether you were the addict or a bystander, the addiction impacted you as well, and you need your own therapy either way.
Financial Irresponsibility or Stinginess
Financially, it helps to be on the same page, but not everyone is brought up to be financially responsible. In other cases, people go too far the other way and are too stingy.
Sarah and Joe had a great first home, two cars, two children, and a dog, but Sarah was miserable. Joe wouldn’t spend a dime on anything. Their carpeting was hotel leftovers because the former owner was a hotel manager. She’d seen the ugly carpet that graced her dining room floor in a conference room at a local hotel. Additionally, their furniture was all hand-me-downs from friends and family.
Sarah was okay with that, but they could afford a few new things. The problem was that Joe was so stingy that he wouldn’t even consider it. One night, it all came to a boiling point, and Joe finally agreed to new carpet and living room furniture.
Joe’s stinginess would still ultimately be their undoing, but he unclenched his wallet long enough to make Sarah stay for a few more years. When they did split, their financial differences, as well as Joe’s controlling nature, were the two biggest causes.
He Was Never There for You or Was Too Selfish
A controller like Joe is an emotional abuser, whom you read about above, but sometimes, a guy isn’t there for you when you need him. Your family dog died, and even though you don’t live at home anymore, the loss was devastating. Instead of being there to console you, your guy told you it wasn’t a big deal and to move on.
Selfishness is also a big heck no when it comes to relationships, but why? When someone is more focused on his own needs over yours, it presents a problem. In any relationship, there is give and take. Sometimes you need to lean on him more than usual, and sometimes, he might need you.
In the case of selfishness, when you need to lean on him, he’s not there, but when he needs to rely on you, you’d better be there or else.
This is no way to be in a relationship. Another thing I hear that makes me cringe is, “You need to babysit the kids this weekend. I have plans with my friends.” Excuse me? You’re babysitting your own kids? Um no.
When you have children, it’s your job to take care of them and share in that responsibility. I’ve seen couples who pull the I watched them for three hours while you went to the movie with your friends, now you owe me three hours. How do you think that makes your kids feel?
There’s no place in a relationship for these selfish behaviors.
Are You Willing to Do the Work?
Today, most ex back coaching is done through books, videos, and emails, and that’s fine. Even if we met in person, you’d have homework to do on your own.
The problem is when you think there’s a magic pill to get your ex back. You talk with a coach for fifteen minutes, maybe exchange an email or two, and voila, your ex will come crawling, around.
I’m sorry, but that isn’t how it works. To get your ex back, you need to do some work on yourself; nobody can do it for you.
I’ve heard from more than one woman who’s read one of my ex-back books, and the emails always start out the same way:
I read your book, but I didn’t follow the advice. I assumed he would come back. Then, after a few months, I figured, what the heck? I may as well try some of the things in the book. OMG Gregg! It worked! My ex came back after I followed your advice.
Don’t be that woman. Be the woman who puts in the effort from the beginning. You’re wasting your time and mine if you don’t.
Anything worth having requires effort, and following the advice of ex back coaching is no exception.
Ex Back Coaching
Some situations behind a breakup are beyond your control. Military service, a career move that forces relocation, or one person not being ready to settle down can end a relationship.
Sometimes, there’s a workable solution, and sometimes there isn’t. Either way, ex back coaching will help you prepare for a new relationship. Whether that new relationship is with your ex or someone else remains to be seen.
Some women get halfway through coaching and don’t want their ex back any longer. Others continue and get their guy back.
Regardless of how it goes, coaching provides you tools to succeed in that next relationship.