Today’s big ex-back question: should I get closure from my ex?
Closure is a tricky thing. It’s elusive. You think you’ll get the answers to help you feel better about the situation, but the truth is it won’t help at all. Seeking closure will only thwart your efforts to get him back.
People seek closure mainly because of those answers I just mentioned, but it comes with a few problems.
Should I Get Closure From My Ex? | You’re Asking for the Truth
While you think closure will help you understand the reasons for the breakup, the odds of him giving you the real reason for the breakup is low. You’re thinking, “If I know why he broke up with me, I can fix it and he’ll take me back.”
Let’s think about this logic for a second. You’re asking someone who is currently upset with you and wasn’t truthful about the reason for the breakup in the first place to now suddenly tell you the truth. If he’d told you the truth, to begin with, you wouldn’t need closure.
There’s no guarantee that whatever he tells you this time will be any more truthful than what he told you before.
He has his reasons for not wanting to share his reasons with you. The biggest one may be that he doesn’t want to hurt you further. Another big reason is that he might not know why he felt he needed to break up with you, at least not yet.
You’re asking him for an answer he’s either sparing you from or doesn’t know himself.
And think about this – what if he does tell you the truth? Are you prepared to hear it?
The Closure You Might Get Won’t Be Enough
If he shares his reasons for the breakup, you might not feel any better than you did. You’re assuming that you’ve done something wrong and you can now fix it.
What if he doesn’t know why he broke up with you? You didn’t get any answer from him and you feel just as crappy as you did before, only now, you’ve stirred the situation up.
Another possibility is that he’s recognized something inside himself that he wants to work on. There’s nothing you can do to change the situation. This leaves you with no solution you can impact.
Men leave relationships for a variety of reasons, only some of which involve something you may or may not have done.
For example, men leave a relationship when they’re dealing with something difficult, like the loss of a job or a loved one. Since they aren’t usually great at managing those types of emotions, they feel the need to retreat and figure things out.
Men also leave when they’re going through a divorce or finalizing the end of another relationship. He needs to focus all his energy on that situation, not a new relationship.
But men leave sometimes when things get too tough within the relationship too. If you’ve made him your hobby by doting on him and spending all your time with him instead of on your hobbies and friends, he’ll scoot right out of your life, feeling smothered.
If he feels you’re forcing him to give up too much, like his friendships or his financial security, he’ll also bail.
He’s not going to tell you if it was something like that unless you push him, and then, hearing it is going to make you feel worse, not better. He doesn’t want that, even now.
Should I Get Closure from My Ex? His Contempt will Grow
You want your ex to come back to you because he’s decided he made a mistake, and he sees that you’re ready to reconcile with him.
He sees you as mysterious again and he is probably worried that his Plan B – i.e. finding something better – isn’t working out as he imagined.
You want him to consider these things, but chasing after him for closure won’t make that happen.
When a guy ends a relationship, he already has contemptuous feelings toward you and the relationship. He needs time to get over those feelings and start missing you again. If you’re hounding him for the why, that contempt will grow, not dissipate.
As humans, we’re all driven to some extent by curiosity. In the Five Steps to Get Him Back, you’ll discover how to build curiosity. This is equal to becoming mysterious to him again. Mystery in a relationship is great it keeps a guy from becoming bored with you and the relationship.
To rekindle the mystery and stir his curiosity, you need to step away and regain control of the situation. That’s what the Five Steps are all about!
The problem is you’re not very mysterious if you’re constantly texting and hounding him for the why of your breakup.
Seeking Closure Prevents You from Doing the Work You Need to Do
There is work to be done to get your ex back. Yes, he should do some work too, but neither of us can control him, so we’ll focus on you instead.
Step One is to regain control over your emotions. This is a crucial step because it’s nearly impossible to think rationally when you’re highly emotional. This is where you learn the ins and out’s of the No Contact Rule and which behaviors, like this one, are ruining your chances of getting him back, among other things.
In Step Two, you assess the breakup and determine whether there is a relationship to salvage, as well as what your role in the breakup truly was.
Step Three guides you through rebuilding your confidence. Breakups do a number on confidence, so this is also a crucial step. Usually, by this time, your ex is feeling fewer negative feelings about the relationship and he will notice the positive changes you’re making.
With Step Four, you indirectly begin to work toward getting him back. You’ll use something called Slip In/Slip Out to remind him of your existence and the good times you shared. If he has feelings for you, this will stir them and make him consider getting back together.
These four steps prepare you for Step Five, which is planning to meet your ex again. By this point, you understand that the why of the breakup and closure aren’t important. Building a new relationship with your ex matters more.
The most important thing you can do now is proceed through the steps. The more work you do, the less closure will matter to you.
Should I Get Closure from My Ex? | The Answer Might Trigger Something Negative
Let’s imagine for a moment that your ex gives you a reason for the breakup. What he says and what you interpret may be two different things. For example, if he says, “I don’t love you anymore,” your mind may turn that round into I’m not worth loving.
Here are a few other examples:
- He says, “I found someone else”; you hear I’m not enough
- He says, “I need time to myself”; you hear I’m too needy
- From him, you hear, “I’m not ready for a commitment”; you hear I pushed him too hard
This is why the steps are so important. All those statements play havoc with your self-esteem and self-worth, which you need to improve, not drive down further.
What is Your Ex Thinking These Days?
At first, your ex is happy to be free of you and the relationship. The drama of the breakup he’s wanted for a while now is over and he can breathe easy again.
He’s got this whole plan for how his life will be better now. He can date other women and party all night with his friends again.
Of course, the problem is that his friends are getting older, and they don’t party all night and the women aren’t falling all over him as he imagined in his dreams.
You are his Plan B. Even though he broke up with you, he fully expects to be able to come crawling back if this great plan of his doesn’t work out. This is valuable information to keep in your back pocket! It’s one of the secrets to your ultimate success.
After he gets over the negative feelings and realizes he’s not dating dozens of uber-beautiful women every night, he’ll miss you. He might not be ready to admit it out loud yet, but he misses the trips to the apple orchard or the weekly date nights you shared.
If you wrote him the letter outlined in the five steps, you’ve tweaked those memories just a bit already. Using Slip In/Slip Out will further help him miss you and he won’t even realize why.
Once he misses you, he’ll wonder what you’re up to. His friends have shared a few tidbits with him and he’s seen you coming out of the gym a few times. He’s worrying that you’re improving yourself for another guy and this concerns him a lot!
His Plan B is having a better time with the breakup and might not want him back after all. Oh boy! He now knows that if he misses you so much and wants you back, it’s time to pull his act together.
Everything you do in Step Four makes this happen.
Should I Get Closure from My Ex? | Other Ways to Get Closure
If you’re still asking, “Should I get closure from my ex?” I suggest you try these suggestions for other ways to feel better about your situation.
Write Him a Letter
This isn’t the letter from the steps, this is a letter you probably won’t send. In this letter, you spill your guts. Tell him everything you haven’t been able to say. Write out all the negative feelings, the things you miss, and maybe even the reasons you’re happy to be single again.
Many times, the act of writing the letter, even though you don’t send it, is enough to help you feel better.
Get in One Good Crying Session
There’s nothing wrong with feeling sad and expressing that emotion. Let it out. Allow yourself one good crying jag, then commit to working your way through the steps.
Many times, after you cry it out, you feel better. It’s another way of releasing all that negative energy so you can move forward.
Find a New Hobby or Work on an Old One
Get out that scrapbook from your trip to Cancun. Dig out your camera and take photos of the beautiful scenery around you. Learn to knit or ask your mother or grandmother to teach you how to quilt.
Hobbies are a great distraction, and they also help you keep yourself busy. They also give you the opportunity for personal growth, which is always a good thing.
The only thing I ask is that when you get your ex back, you continue working on your hobby!
Should I Get Closure from My Ex? | Enjoy Being Single Instead
There is a negative stigma to being single, but there are many things you can do for yourself when you’re single. Try going out to dinner by yourself. Go to your favorite place, order your favorite meal and enjoy.
There’s nothing wrong with being single so don’t feel embarrassed. It’s a brave move and one to be proud of!
Accept Where You Are Right Now
Too often, we’re always looking to be somewhere we aren’t. We want a new, better job, car, house, and relationship.
Instead of wishing for something better, accept where you are right now. Enjoy the job you have, even if you want a new one. There are always things to learn and that will help you get that next job. Enjoy your old car, even if it barely gets you around. Give her a name. Spend time cleaning her up. Care for her and love her until she dies.
There’s a lot to be said about having ambition, but it’s also important to appreciate where you are today so you can appreciate where you’re going.
Should I Get Closure from My Ex?
It’s my hope that by now, you’ve answered the question, “Should I get clusure from my ex?” By not seeking closure, you’re avoiding an awkward situation for sure, but you’re also behaving in an unexpected way.
He expects you to beg him for the why. He expects you to angry text him and leave him tear-filled voicemails. When you don’t do what he expects, you pique his curiosity and become mysterious.
You also allow him time to overcome his negative feelings about you and the breakup so he can miss you. When you implement the No Contact Rule, you deny him the opportunity to get answers too, especially if he senses that you’re doing things to improve yourself.
Encourage the breakup. Let him know you’re fine with it, even if you aren’t. Let him stew in the situation he created and consider whether he made a wise choice or not.
If you have a relationship worth rekindling and your ex wants you back, things will work out. Although, I just caution you that some women hit the end of step three and realize their ex isn’t worthy of them! It happens more often than you think.
I know you feel lousy right now and I promise you that whether you get him back or not, better days are ahead. To take a first step toward those better days, check out the book below and begin the Five Steps.