Understanding the Stages of Grieving a Breakup: A Comprehensive Guide

Much like grieving other major losses in your life, there are stages of grieving a breakup. It isn’t a linear process, and no two people go through these stages in the same way. In the next few minutes, you’ll read about these stages:

• Shock
• Denial
• Desperate for Answers
• External Bargaining
• Internal Bargaining
• Relapse
• Initial Acceptance
• Anger
• Hope

Shock

I just said that the stages of grieving a breakup aren’t linear, and that’s true, but the first stage is almost always shock, and that makes sense, right?

You think the relationship is humming along just fine. Sure, there are bumps in the road, but you think you’re both getting through them unscathed. Then it happens. He says something along the lines of:

• “We need to take a break”
• “I just need some time to myself”
• “It’s not you, it’s me”

The usual stuff, and before you know it, you’re in full-on emotional turmoil. How did this happen? What did you do wrong? What can you do to fix it? You’ve thought all of these things, right? Well, allow me to assure you that you are not the reason for the breakup – at least not the only reason. Regardless of what he said in his big breakup speech or text, two people were in that relationship, and therefore two people share the responsibility in what went wrong.

A few realizations occur during the shock phase, often making you feel even worse:

• You find yourself replacable in the heart of someone you thought loved you
• You feel disposable, as if he can just discard you like the wrapper on the whopper he had for lunch
• You’re no longer part of a ‘we’; you’re a single person
• You launch into survival mode to compensate for the fog that’s surrounding your life

The love hormones you were once enjoying are now suddenly gone, leaving you feeling fuzzy and uncomfortable.

From here, you may experience the remaining stages in any order, and sometimes more than once. There is also no timeframe by which you’ll experience them. You might stay in one for a day or a week. 

Stages of Grieving a Breakup: Denial

This feels like it should always be the second stage, but sometimes anger comes next. 

In denial, you’re telling yourself that the breakup isn’t real. This didn’t really just happen. He’ll be back as soon as he realizes how much he misses you. While it’s true that he may indeed come back, it probably won’t be in the next couple of weeks and you need to recognize that.

While you’re in denial, you continue to proceed through your life as if are still in a relationship. You may not mention the breakup to many of your friends and family. If they invite the two of you somewhere, you dismiss his absence saying he was busy.

The overriding problem you have is that your mind became addicted to the love hormones that were coarsing through your lovely veins, but now those chemicals are gone. Your mind is trying to trick you into a quick resolution so you can get those hormones flowing again. Studies show that getting over this addiction can be more difficult than getting over a cocaine addiction. It’s for real!

You may not recognize that you’re in denial at first, but once you do, you slide into a sub-stage called avoidance. When you’re in avoidance, you avoid the reality of the breakup to avoid feeling the pain.

Desperate for Answers

At some point, you’ll find yourself searching for answers. Why did this happen? How can you fix it? What on earth possessed him to do this? What did you do wrong? Is he as upset as you are? When will he come back? How can you get him back?

Your mind races over these questions time and time again. If you can just show him that there is a way to fix everything, he’ll come back. The reasons he gave for the breakup aren’t valid in your mind and you set out to prove him wrong.

At some point, you realize that there are no good reasons for the breakup and you shift to focusing on why those reasons are no good.

During this stage, you may find that your friends and family are suddenly busy whenever you want to hang out. That’s because you’re not only driving yourself crazy with this, but them too.

Stages of Grieving a Breakup: External Bargaining

Ahhhh, now you’re getting creative! During this phase, you’ll make a deal with anyone, including any diety you pray to, if they’ll just help you get your ex back. 

You believe that you, or shall I call you Wonderwoman, have the magical power to fix every single thing that went wrong in the relationship all by yourself and you’re gonna do it!

This is your emotions talking. This isn’t a rational thought process at all, and somewhere deep down inside, you recognize this, but again, your mind wants those love hormones back, and it’s telling you all kinds of stories, including this one.

Ask yourself two important questions:

• Is the breakup really just your fault? He bears no responsibility whatsoever?
• If you are Wonderwoman, will fixing everything you recognize as being wrong really help the two of you get back together?

You’ll discover those answers in other stages of grieving a breakup.

Internal Bargaining

You’ll know you’re in this stage if you find yourself saying if only I had:

• If only I had taken him to the airport a couple of weeks ago instead of making him park his car there for three days
• If only I hadn’t gone on that girls’ weekend with my friends last month
• If only I had not bugged him about his dirty laundry on the floor all of the time

During the internal bargaining stage, you envision an alternate universe in which you made different choices than the ones you perceive to be the problem. If you’d taken him to the airport, he would still be with you. If you’d stayed home instead of going with your friends, he wouldn’t have left. If you’d left him alone about his dirty laundry and just picked it up, things would be fine.

But would they? You probably had a good reason for making each and every choice you’re now questioning and you’re entitled to make choices that benefit you sometimes. Maybe you had a big presentation at work when he needed to go to the airport, or your mother needed a ride to the doctor. Would you really give up one of those things to take him to the airport when he had other options? Of course not.

The truth is that you have no guarantee that doing anything differently would change the fact that you’re now broken up. Last I checked, nobody had a working crystal ball.

Since there is no way to change the past, this is fruitless thinking and it’s keeping you stuck.

Stages of a Breakup: Relapse

I knew a couple who had been married for a short period of time before they both realized they’d made a big mistake. While the husband was cleaning his stuff out of their joint apartment, the wife showed up. Emotions were running high, and the next thing they knew, they were having sex.

Nine months later, they were divorced with a brand new son. While they successfully co-parented their child, it always seemed as if it wasn’t fair to him to be brought into such a messy situation.

Relapses happen but that doesn’t mean they’re good for you. Some couples break up and get back together so often that their friends can no longer keep track of whether they’re broken up or together.

What you’re really both doing is avoiding the pain of the breakup by denying that there’s a problem and constantly finding your way back to one another. This cycle of make up and breakup is not healthy and won’t change unless one or both of you change. You aren’t dealing with the issues, but avoiding them instead.

Initial Acceptance

When you find yourself in the Initial Acceptance stage, things are starting to get better for you. You’re experiencing moments of clarity when you can see a life without your ex in it. Unfortunately, these moments of clarity don’t last long the first couple of times you go through it, and you’ll probably slide into other phases, then back here.

The good news is that each time you slide into Initial Acceptance, you’ll live there a little longer. As you rebuild your confidence, you’ll stay longer and feel better.

Stages of a Breakup: Anger

You thought I forgot this stage, didn’t you? No. I didn’t forget. 

Anger is a natural but unproductive emotion. The closer you are to the initial breakup, the more angry you are, so then the good news is that if you hit anger a little later, it might not impact you so hard. 

If it hits in the beginning, you may turn this anger in on yourself. You’ll spend loads of time reciting all of the flaws you believe you have and blaming yourself for the breakup. Of course, if he blamed you in his big breakup speech or text, that just adds fuel to the fire.

The goal of the anger phase is to blame someone. Blaming someone always makes it better, right?

Wrong! Of course placing blame doesn’t help. It’s simply a way to deflect any responsibility we might indeed bear for any given situation.

You’ll know you’re moving out of anger when you stop feeling the need to blame someone for the breakup.

The trick to navigating the anger stage successfully is to learn how to control your anger (and other emotions) and accept responsibility for your own actions in all areas of your life.

Once you accomplish that, you’ll find it easier to move forward and do what needs to be done to woo your ex back. Don’t be shy about seeking professional help with this. It can be very tricky to try on your own if it’s a new concept to you.

And Last, But Not Least, Hope

As humans, it’s said that the only time we truly feel hopeless is when we’re faced with our own imminent death. Otherwise, there is a shining light somewhere in the darkness trying to find you. 

During this grieving process, hope shines through in a number of ways. If it’s early in the breakup process, you hope for a reconciliation. If you experience hope a little later, you might decide you don’t want him back and you hope to survive without him. 

Once you reach that point, you can build on your accomplishments. During Step Three of the Five Step Process to Get Him Back, you rebuild your confidence, which will help you feel even more hope in whatever outcome you desire, whether it’s getting him back or moving on without him.

Wrapping Up: The Stages of Grieving a Breakup

As we step off this journey together, remember that grieving a relationship is a unique and personal process. It’s not a one-size-fits-all kind of deal. You may not experience the stages in order or even hit all of them. It’s totally normal. Your journey through the emotional landscape of a breakup is your own, and how you navigate it will be unique to you. 

Remember that healing is not a linear process. You might find yourself bouncing around stages, repeating some, and perhaps spending more time in one than anticipated. But, regardless of the pattern, it’s important for you to take solace in the fact that it’s all part of the healing process. It will help you understand, process, and eventually move beyond the grief. 

The stages of grief can be a challenging course to navigate. That’s why it’s absolutely okay to ask for help. Whether it’s reaching out to a friend, relative, or a professional like a therapist or counselor, having a supportive shoulder to lean on can make all the difference. The aim is to ensure you are not alone in this flight of healing. 

We hope that this guide has shed light on this complex and often misunderstood subject. Understand that the journey may be tough, but it is also an opportunity for personal growth and learning. Nurturing resilience and positivity along the way builds emotional strength and lays the foundation for healthier relationships in the future. 

Embrace each stage as it comes, for it brings you one step closer to healing and rediscovering yourself and your potential for happiness. Remember, it’s okay to grieve, it’s okay to hurt, but it’s equally okay to rebuild and rediscover joy. You’re stronger than you think; give yourself credit for surviving and growing from such a tough experience.