Your husband says he wants a divorce but hasn’t filed, what does this mean? What do you do?
For the sake of argument, let’s assume you don’t want a divorce. You still love him and you want to try and work things out.
The first question to answer is why your husband says he wants a divorce.
Why Does Your Husband Say He Wants a Divorce but Hasn’t Filed?
He is Afraid of Losing His Money
It’s sad but true in many cases. In some states, guys may lose fifty percent or more of their assets and income in a divorce. That will stop a guy in his tracks!
Money is important to men, and not because they’re necessarily materialistic, but because money equals survival.
A guy needs money to support himself and his family. While most men are okay with supporting their children, they often view child support as money the ex can use for whatever.
Of course, if you ask most divorced women, they’ll tell you that they money they get for child support doesn’t cover their expenses of raising those children and the farthest thing from their minds is getting themselves a Coach purse or Louis Vuitton shoes, but this is what some men think their money is spent on.
He Wants to Keep You as a Backup
Of course, there’s always the chance that he’ll discover his new single life isn’t what he expected it to be. If he doesn’t completely eradicate you from his life, you become his Plan B.
This shows a lack of confidence on his part. While somewhere inside, he believes he’s a stud-muffin who can attract any woman he wants, deep down, he knows that he’s let himself go a bit and might not be the chick magnet he envisions himself to be.
The question you have to ask yourself is whether you want to be anyone’s Plan B.
He Fears Losing Custody of His Kids
This is a real fear for some guys. They hear horror stories from their friends who are left only getting to see their kids every two weeks. For some guys who truly want to go out there and be sex gods, this might not be a bad thing, but for men who feel they are dedicated fathers, this is huge.
You have to admire a man who wants to fight for his kids, as long as he doesn’t play dirty. I’ve seen plenty of that too and it’s not pretty!
He Still Loves You but Has Lost His Way
If this is the reason why your husband says he wants a divorce but hasn’t filed yet, you’re in luck! There are many reasons for a man to begin to feel bogged down. Sometimes he just needs a break – time to retreat, lick his wounds and find a solution to whatever problem is troubling him.
Men don’t manage their emotions as well as you do. We aren’t raised to. We’re raised to stuff them down and not show them. We’re raised to be a man. We also aren’t communicators like women are and they often aren’t comfortable sharing this much vulnerability with a woman.
If a guy feels this way, your best move is to let him retreat and lick his wounds. Let him sort through whatever has him feeling lost and give him time to find his own solution. If you allow him this time, chances are he’ll come to you and discuss it, and he’ll want you back, but you must allow him time to work through it by himself.
All the above
Sometimes, it’s a combination of these factors that keeps a guy away from his family but not wanting a divorce. I know, great right? What do you do with that?
How Do You Rein Him Back In?
First, it’s important to step back and make sure your husband is worth keeping. There are deal breakers, such as:
- He physically or emotionally abused you or someone else
- He cheated on you without cause
- He is an addict (drug, booze, porn) who refuses to seek help
- He’s a narcissist
There are more reasons, of course, but these are the true deal-breakers. These behaviors are either very challenging for a couple to overcome or they’re unforgivable.
If none of these fit, we can assume your husband has been a great guy and you had many great memories together or pennies in the jar as I like to call them.
This is good and you can work on luring him back.
Step Away and Encourage the Break
Yes, you read that right. Go against your gut instincts and do the very thing you think you don’t want to do – encourage this separation.
Why?
Just because he hasn’t filed for divorce yet doesn’t necessarily mean he thinks he wants to come back. You don’t have much to lose at this point. At least in his mind, he’s already gone.
He expects you to beg, cry and plead with him to stay, but you aren’t going to do that, and that action, by itself, begins to make him second-guess a divorce.
You’ve already surprised him, in a good way. You’ve challenged him a bit, which may be something he hasn’t experienced from you in quite some time, especially if you’ve been together for a long time and have fallen into a rhythm.
While begging, endlessly apologizing and trying to take on all the blame might feel like the right actions to take, they’re totally ineffective.
By stepping away and allowing him to have what he wants, you’re relieving the pressure of the situation for him.
Also, understand what he is feeling right now. He may feel like a complete failure. He’s failed you, his kids, his family, and yours by not living up to expectations. He needs time to lick his wounds and most men need to be by themselves to do that.
The wise, and for him, the unexpected thing to do is let him go. By doing so, you create the very thing that attracted him to you in the first place, mystery and challenge.
Turn to Your Friendships
After you allow him to leave, it’s time to reach out and re-establish your social life with your friends. If you don’t feel like you have friends to turn to, join some groups where there are people with interests similar to yours.
MeetUp.com is a great avenue for this. There are groups for everything from meditation to hiking, skiing, knitting, writing, art and beyond. You can join a few groups and find some friends, and maybe even find a new hobby while you’re at it.
Getting busy helps you refocus your energy on yourself and away from worrying about your husband and what he’s doing. It also injects more mystery for him. He’ll find out, either through friends, kids or social media and he will be intrigued.
Also, think of it this way – he’s off licking his wounds or thinking he can sow some wild oats and you’re off making new friends and having fun. What the heck?
Change Your Routine
We are all creatures of habit. There is safety in a routine. Nothing beats predictability, right? Wrong. Living a life of routine might feel safe, but it does nothing to challenge you, build your confidence or inject mystery into your life.
Living a full life is about taking risks and being on a continuous growth adventure. While he’s off doing his own thing, it’s time to embrace being single and step outside your comfort zone. Try some of these:
- Change your hairstyle
- Join a gym or a move to a different gym
- Chase some old or new hobbies
- Take time for self-care
- Practice Yoga and meditation
- Get a second job or a new job
- Volunteer at a local shelter
This might feel challenging at first, but now is the time to spend some energy on yourself. I hear you, “Gregg, I have kids! I can’t take time for myself!” All the more reason to take this time for you. You owe your kids the best version of yourself and that means showing your kids that you believe you have value. Show them what it means to have self-esteem.
You can’t be good for anyone if you’re stuck in a rut!
Stay in Touch but Leave the Emotions Out
This one can be challenging, especially at first, but it’s important. Your job is to contact him as much as or less than he contacts you. Be cordial but not a doormat. If he says he misses you, don’t misinterpret. He might be testing you. Don’t fall for this one and immediately go weak in the knees. Don’t be mean, but be careful!
He’s probably contacting you because he doesn’t want to lose you and he’s starting to think he will because of your new life.
This is good. Let him think this for a little while. He’ll begin to turn himself around soon enough.
Look for the Shift
The shift is when your husband has a moment of weakness and decides he’s ready to discuss your relationship.
You hold the power right now and you can easily take control of the situation. Watch for this shift and use it to get him back.
Plan a time to meet – not a date – a meeting and let him do the talking. You play the role of interested listener. You’re in control! Your job is to determine whether he’s sincere in his desire to get back together and whether you still want to have him in your life.
It isn’t outside the realm of possibility for you to decide he isn’t worth having back. Even if this is the case, be kind and hear him out. If you do decide you’re done in the relationship, stay cordial.
Your Husband Says He Wants a Divorce but Hasn’t Filed – Summary
The one caveat to this whole thing is that your relationship, before he left, needs to be filled with great memories you’ve built together. If you dated for two months and have been married for three, you don’t have those great memories and you may not be able to win him back.
If, on the other hand, you have a few years of vacations, trips to the pumpkin patch, volleyball tournaments and other great memories, you have a good chance of getting him to change his mind.
But, if you were together for years and you can’t come up with any good memories because all you did was fight and argue, it’s not a relationship worth saving. You’re simply not wanting to be alone, which is understandable, but not a reason to re-enter a bad relationship.
The actions above provide you with the best chance of getting your husband back, assuming you have those years of good memories behind you. While I can’t guarantee that he won’t file for divorce anyway, you have given yourself the best odds of getting him to change his mind. I can’t control his actions,
and neither can you. All we can do is work on you and your actions.
