What are the rules of no contact, and why should you follow them?
Those are two excellent questions that I hope to answer for you today.
Regardless of where you look for advice to get your ex back, you find the rules of no contact, but that isn’t the answer you’re looking for. You don’t want to stop contacting him! You want to tell him how much you love and miss him. How can you do that if you stop talking to him????
I understand where you’re coming from. Honestly, I do, but the rules of no contact are there for a reason, so I’m hopeful that if I explain them to you, you’ll understand.
Why Have Rules of No Contact
So He Can Overcome the Negativity and Miss You
Your ex broke up with you for a reason, although not likely the reason he gave you, but that’s for another day. He initiated this breakup, and there is every chance he has negative feelings about you and your relationship.
That is the biggest reason for the rules of no contact. The other big reason is that he needs to miss you if you’re to get him back.
He can’t get over the negativity or miss you if you constantly send him angry or begging texts. He needs to live in his head and work through his stuff.
So You Can Both Heal
You both need time to heal. Things were said before or during the breakup that hurt you both, and this time apart will help to heal that.
He’s also hanging onto those negative feelings and needs to heal.
While he’s doing that, you need time to rein in your emotions so you can move forward intelligently and confidently.
You’re Forced to Deal with Where You Are Now
You’re single right now. You are no longer part of a couple. I hate to be so blunt, but it’s time to face that fact so you can move forward correctly.
If and when the two of you get back together, it will be a new relationship, not a rekindling of the old one. That relationship was broken, so why try to bring it back to life?
What Are the Rules of No Contact?
The first rule of no contact is to stop all contact unless you share children, a pet, or a workplace. In those instances, your communication should remain on those topics, not your relationship.
The next rule of no contact is that you maintain it for roughly a month, with an exception.
About one week or so after your breakup, or as soon as you get done reading this article, if it’s already been longer, hand write a letter to your ex. Use pretty stationery and spray some of your cologne on it for good measure.
The letter acts as the first in your one-two punch to the gut you’ll deliver. It is the only contact you should have with him until you rebuild your confidence enough to handle the next layer of contact.
What if He Texts or Calls?
If your ex texts you, wait a couple of hours, if not a day, to reply. This says, “I’m not sitting here crying into my Ben and Jerry’s over you, pal!” And if you are, that’s okay, but he doesn’t need to know!
When you do reach out, keep your contact brief. Be aloof, and don’t mention your relationship. Keep your responses short, which is unexpected, and the unexpected is your best friend right now. Be the one to end the conversation. You can say something like, “I really need to go. I have plans tonight, and I need to get ready.” Or something similar.
Then wait for him to contact you again. This again sends a signal that you’re not sitting around waiting for him to wise up and take you back. You’re out living life. And if you aren’t quite yet, that’s okay.
If he calls, share some fun things you’ve been doing since your breakup, like lunch with a friend or a spur-of-the-moment shopping trip. Keep the conversation short, be the one to end it, and suggest another time to talk, “Gee Terry, it’s been great catching up, but I need to get going. Maybe we can talk again tomorrow?”
Engineer a Power Shift
What you’re doing by remaining aloof, not talking for long, and ending the conversation first is taking back your power. You are shifting the balance of power from him to you, and that’s precisely what you want to do.
Right now, your ex thinks he’s in control of this breakup, but each of the steps you take slowly shifts that power to you. It isn’t a game. This is how it needs to be if you want him back.
Avoid Places Where He Hangs Out
I know you want to see if the new grocery store is open yet. The fact that it forces you to drive by your ex’s office is immaterial. Let me save you the bother. Yes, he went to work today. No, he isn’t standing at his window waiting to see if you’ll drive by so he can run out and say he wants you back.
Avoid the urge to go by the gym when you think he’ll be there or to drive by his house to make sure another woman’s car isn’t there.
It’s time to get on with your own life and rebuild your confidence. Get busy with that, and you’ll spend less time wanting to check up on him.
Block Him on Social Media
Again, I get that this is a way for you to spy on him so you can see if he’s as miserable as you or if he’s dating that b*tch, Janice, who’s had her eye on him for weeks. Still, block him on social media. He’ll still hear about what you’re doing, don’t worry, but you won’t be subjected to whatever nonsense he’s up to right now.
The Rules of No Contact | What’s Your Job?
Aside from adhering to the rules of no contact, your job is first to rein in your emotions and assess the relationship and the breakup.
After you go through those two steps, it’s time to rebuild your confidence, and this is where you begin the real work of getting him back. It’s also where you’ll decide whether you genuinely want him back.
Some women get to the end of this step, decide their ex wasn’t worthy of them anyway, and move on. Other women reach this step and still want their ex back. Either is acceptable, and don’t let anyone tell you what’s best for you. Only you know.
Breaking The Rules of No Contact Once Again
A few weeks after you’ve sent the letter, it’s time to break the rules of no contact again. This is another way in which my rules differ from others.
When you break the rules of no contact, you will reach out to him by text and ask him a question. It goes something like this:
- Hey Josh, what was that little bar down in Key West? I’m heading down there soon, and I can’t remember.
- Hi Brent, can you do me a favor? My red sweater and a few other things are still there. Can you box them up for me and set them on the porch tomorrow? I’ll be by sometime to pick them up.
- Jake, I saw this article on white water rafting and thought you might find it interesting.
That’s all you do. Send a text, and then you’re done for a while.
I call this Slip in/Slip out. You slip into his life with a question that piques his interest, and then you slip back out. In the case of the second one where you’re asking for your stuff back, note that you don’t give an exact time that you’ll be by. You don’t want to allow him to see you. Run up, get your stuff and head out.
After a couple of weeks, if you haven’t heard from him, slip in and slip out again.
Do the Rules of No Contact Work?
Any chance the two of you have to reconcile isn’t just based on the no contact rule; it is a crucial element of your approach.
The main thing that determines whether you’ll get your ex back is how much you both change during the time away. Therefore, the most important thing you can do for yourself is to rebuild your confidence.
Great men are attracted to confident women and vice versa. This is why some women realize their ex isn’t worthy of them after they rebuild their confidence. They recognize that their ex wasn’t a confident man, and they no longer want him.
If you follow the Five Steps, your chances of getting him back are pretty good. I never say I guarantee a reconciliation because I can’t control either of you, and I have no control over that. But many women have written to me after completing these steps with the happy news that they got their ex back, and the letter, no contact, and slip in/slip out were key players in their ex’s decision to return.
Instances When the Rules of No Contact Won’t Work
There are certain circumstances under which the rules of no contact won’t work.
Not Enough Memories
I eluded to this before. If your guy left after a few weeks of dating, you weren’t yet in a relationship.
For the rules of no contact to work, you need history together, and after reading how my exclusions to the standard no contact rule make that a requirement. Aside from that, if you were only dating for a few weeks, chances are he just decided you weren’t a good fit, and he left.
He Must Be Capable of Love
Some men want to love, but they can’t. For some reason, they fear being hurt that runs so deep they can’t crawl out. They might act great in a relationship for a while, but you’ll never get the emotional commitment you need or deserve.
Other men are narcissistic or misogynistic and only care about themselves. Those men are not capable of loving anyone but themselves, and they don’t really do that either.
He Still Loves You
There is a chance that he never really loved you, even if he said he did or acted as if he did. Men will go to great lengths to keep a woman, but their reason may be as simple as being too lazy to get a new girlfriend.
If he says he doesn’t love you any longer, he’s probably not lying, and you should not pursue a reconciliation.
If You Cheat on the Rules of No Contact
There’s no cheating in the rules of no contact. You must adhere to them to the letter. If you break down and text him, you’re not allowing him time to get over his negative feelings or to miss you.
He’s going through things, too and the rules of no contact are in place partly to help him go through whatever he needs to go through so he can return.
Generally, you both have contempt for one another during the first two weeks. You might also be sad and feeling desperate to get him back, but he’s mostly feeling contempt. Any other feelings he has are being stuffed down. He deals with them by finding someone to date, and the criteria is that she’s breathing. Don’t freak out.
While he’s doing that, you’re rebuilding your confidence, sending the letter, and working toward being in a good place so you can try slip in/slip out a few times.
Eventually, he’ll have a weak moment and want to talk. Know that he won’t offer to talk unless he wants you back. He’s not likely to ask you to talk now that you’re broken up, so he can tell you he’s found someone new.
The Rules of No Contact
I know this isn’t where you want to be at this time in your life. You want your ex back, and it seems that the rules of no contact will move you further from him, not closer, but trust the process.
The only person you can control during this process is you. I know that sucks because you want to control him, too, so you can get him back, but life doesn’t work that way.
The best thing you can do for yourself is to follow the Five Step Process. It’s your best chance of success; even if you don’t get him back, other men will be lining up to date you!